This July, Bumble settled a lawsuit brought by a man that claimed the app’s “ladies swipe first” policy discriminated against male users. In addition to publicizing to the world that he is not getting laid, the man’s lawsuit won the men of Bumble twenty “Super Swipes” in damages. That’s all well and good, but how about some remedies for the indignities of being a straight woman on a dating app? We have drafted some proposals for women to receive compensation as well.

  • For a woman who received “hey hottie” as an opening message: One “Super Dislike.”
  • For a woman who was asked if she’d like to go on “a date in my pants”: Free Guess jeans. Not the white ones. Nice ones.
  • For a woman who received an unsolicited dick pic: A Georgia O’Keeffe painting. Also, the next dick pic you receive will automatically be rerouted to the sender of the previous dick pic, and so on, forever. The recipient of a redirected dick pic will not get a Georgia O’Keeffe painting. Just the pic of the dick.
  • For a woman who received a solicited dick pic: This doesn’t happen.
  • For a woman who matched with an aspiring stand-up comedian trying out new material: Tickets to Ali Wong’s next taping.
  • For a woman who had to read the word “sapiosexual” forty-two times in one sitting: A copy of Audre Lorde’s Sister Outsider.
  • For a woman who matched with an ad for discounted dry-cleaning and kept talking to the bot for months because it was the most polite user on the app: Discounted dry-cleaning, obviously. Also, a therapist.
  • For a woman who can now eyeball the weight of a fish: Sushi.
  • For a woman who was told her new match “wasn’t looking for anything serious” before she had said anything at all: You will not have to have anything serious with that man, or anything at all, in fact.
  • For a woman who matched with six guys named Matt in a row: A date with Matthew McConaughey.
  • For a woman who messaged with a man who would only list his initials for “Me Too-reasons”: His SSN. Also, some cash, why not?
  • For a woman who received a long string of emojis but no words: 💰💰💰💰💰
  • For a woman who was asked if she was fatter in person: $10 million.
  • For all women who matched with straight men: My deepest condolences.