Hi Nicole,
We haven’t received your rent for September, so I just wanted to check-in with you. Here at 10 Chernobyl Lane, our residents’ happiness is our top priority.
I was sorry to hear your skin melted off your body. To improve the air quality in the building, we will provide all residents with a complimentary, six-speed portable fan — a $50 value.
Please remit your rent by September 5th to avoid a late fee. If you are unable to hold a pen to write us a check, we are happy to send the super to your hospital room to assist.
We wish you a speedy recovery and can’t wait for you to return home soon.
Regards,
Daisy
Hi Nicole,
I was surprised to hear that you wish to terminate your lease. Here at 2 Pompeii Road, our residents’ happiness is our top priority.
I imagine this has to do with the recent eruption of Mount Vesuvius. We will permit you to transfer your lease to someone else — provided they can pay three months’ rent up front and have not been incinerated by molten lava.
Please note that, due to the melted building exterior, your unit now boasts 360-degree views of downtown Pompeii and has become one of the most coveted in the building. We will be increasing the rent by 10% upon lease renewal to reflect its future market rate.
I wish you a restful afternoon.
Regards,
Daisy
Top of the morning Nicole,
It has been brought to my attention that you wish to defer rent this month due to the potato famine. Here at 17 Luck ‘O the Irish Street, our residents’ happiness is our top priority.
First and foremost, my condolences for the loss of your sister, both of your brothers, grandmother, and seven children.
I reviewed your request, and unfortunately, mass starvation is not in your lease as a valid cause for rent deferment.
I do have some good news to share with you. We have installed a new, state-of-the-art mini trampoline in our common area for you and your (remaining) children to enjoy.
Have a wonderful day.
Regards,
Daisy
Hi Nicole,
I understand you wish to receive a rent reduction due to the swarm of locusts in the apartment building. Here at 6 Pharaoh Avenue, our residents’ happiness is our top priority.
As per your lease agreement, the landlord is not responsible for any act of God. That includes a plague inflicted upon residents by the God of Israel.
Please mail your rent check to my beach house on the Red Sea, where I am sheltered for the duration of the plagues.
Regards,
Daisy
P.S. Have you closed your windows? This should help.
Hi Nicole,
I was sorry to hear that you disappeared along with the rest of the travelers aboard Malaysia Airlines 370. I hope they locate you very soon.
We received your voicemail from the air prior to disappearing. Thank you for the heads up about your rent delay this month.
Unfortunately, the airline was unable to charge your credit card for the call and has billed the balance to us instead. We will take care of this on our end and add $7.87 plus a $10 convenience charge to your rent bill this month. Let us know when we can expect it.
Have a pleasant rest of your evening… wherever you are.
Regards,
Daisy