It used to be so easy. Back in your teens, twenties, and even into your thirties, friends just kind of happened. Well, fast-forward 380 years or so, and life’s gotten a bit more complicated! The bars and the parties are few and far between these days. Now you spend most of your time lying motionless, longing to be freed from a body containing little more than disintegrating bones and a heartbeat that just refuses to cease. You might assume you’re too old and decaying to make new friends, but that’s not true. Even if you’re condemned to linger on for centuries, well after death should have claimed you, your new pals are out there if you know how to find them.
Get On the Apps
Apps aren’t just for the kids. OK, maybe they weren’t specifically designed for someone who outlived their eighth generation of grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get swiping. While you might associate apps with dating, it’s not that uncommon for people to use apps just to meet folks with platonic mutual interests. So write up a fun profile saying you’d like to get to know others who once resided in Napoleonic France, remember when world maps only had half of North America, and now wake up every day tormented by the fact that, yet again, they did not pass away in their sleep.
Volunteer
What’s great about volunteering is that you’re bound to meet people with a charitable outlook, kind souls who’ll be unlikely to judge you for your patches of visible skull. You’ll also likely make friends of all ages, as individuals who volunteer tend to care more about the kind of person someone is rather than whether they were born two centuries before the bicycle was invented.
Join a Trivia Team
Believe it or not, being 400 has its advantages. Your deep knowledge, acquired through hundreds of years of watching historical events unfold before your eyes, will make you a coveted competitor. When the quizmaster asks what year Benjamin Franklin conducted his famous kite experiment, you’ll know right away that it was 1752 because you were alive at the time and already wondering if you would have to go on living much longer than 150. (Spoiler alert: You sure would!)
Accept Every Invitation
Let’s face it, at 400, the invites don’t show up like they used to. Everyone’s super-busy, and you’re presumed long deceased if you’re still even mentioned in the historical record at all. That’s why when an invitation does find its way to your door, you absolutely must attend the event, even if it’s not something you’re all that excited about. After all, that Super Bowl party you’d rather skip just might be where you meet someone else similarly accursed, someone you can hang out with well after the game ends to talk about how you’ve been imprisoned by life itself!
Strike Up a Conversation
Of course, you don’t need a special activity or technology to make friends. Whether it’s the bus stop or the coffee shop, most people are receptive to being approached if it’s done appropriately. Your vocal cords may have already shriveled up in your throat by the early 1700s, but you’d be surprised at how far just saying hello can get you, even if it comes out as a gurgle through hideous gaping jaws you no longer have the muscles to close.
Be Your Own Friend
Even if it’s a bit more challenging to make friends when you hit the big 4-0-0, there’s always one companion you can count on — you. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or treat yourself to a movie. After 400 years, you just might find there’s no better option.