Maybe If Millennials Spent Less Time Eating Brunch and More Time Ravaging the Planet, We Could End This Whole Thing Sooner

Dear Millennials,

Please take a second to look up from your Snapchat hot dogs and observe the world around you. Your lazy generation isn’t investing in cars, diamonds, and risky mortgages at the rate of previous generations. You are destroying vital American industries by spending all of your money on basic needs like food and shelter. More importantly, the money you’re spending on kombucha could be better spent on gas-guzzling cars, condos built on top of bulldozed rainforests, and other things that would help destroy the Earth.

You need to start helping the older generations blow up our planet. In your typically selfish millennial approach to consumership, you’re prolonging the planet’s existence. If we’re going to all work together to pull the planetary plug, you need to put your phones down and start ravaging the resources around you. We have to speed up humanity’s demise and we have to do it now.

Apparently the millennial generation isn’t purchasing diamonds anymore because you are wary of the “taint of conflict and exploitation.” Seriously? This planet was built on conflict and exploitation! And the only way this planet will melt into the darkness of space is through way more conflict and exploitation. So, get off your hoverboard and get into a diamond mine. Take a pickaxe and just start swinging it wildly like a psychopath. Go to an oil field and light it on fire. Punch an endangered animal in its face.

Do you not understand how dire the situation is? If we don’t start taking concrete steps to extinguish the flame of human existence, then we’ll be on Earth for another 250 or so years. It’s not too late for us to make some big changes and turn that trajectory around, though. Start doing your part and we can end this whole thing way, way sooner.

Let me put things into terms your brunch-addled brains will understand. All of the planet’s diamond mines need to be scooped out like avocados. This approach shouldn’t just be limited to diamond mines either. Every nonrenewable resource needs to be sucked out of the Earth. Oil, coal, rare earth metals, clean air, phosphorus, timber, and water all need to be exploited and used up as quickly as possible. If we don’t accelerate the consumption of our planet’s resources, then how the hell do you expect our planet to die and wither? It won’t die its own. We all need to pitch in and help.

The Baby Boomer generation has been doing its part. They actually care about blowing this planet up, so they’ve been contributing to its destruction throughout their whole lives. Meanwhile, you’re sitting around drinking water out of nalgenes and car-sharing fuel-efficient vehicles. You should be ashamed of yourselves, you good-for-nothing planet preservers. It’s almost like you don’t want to write the final chapter of mankind. If your generation had never been born, older generations would have destroyed this planet and ended things a long time ago. Millennials truly are the most selfish, entitled generation.

Look, it makes sense. The current economic climate of the world has straddled millennials with crippling student loan debt and insufficient inflation-adjusted wages. You’re probably drowning in a sea of financial ruin and there’s no hope in sight. None of that is an acceptable excuse for refusing to assist in the annihilation of our world.

There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents as you save up money. However, you should also be running the hot water in your parents’ bathroom all day long and leaving the lights on constantly. Even if you’re under your parents’ roof, you should do everything you can to maximize greenhouse gas emissions. No matter your economic situation, you can still do your part. We need your help to murder our planet.

Nobody is telling you to not use some of your meager salary to travel to Europe. But, instead of traveling to Europe to selfishly explore the sights and culture, you should consider traveling to Europe to deplete the continent of its iron ore and petroleum. It’s time to stop living a fantasy, millennials. This is the real world and it must be detonated like a planet-sized bomb.

Humanity has arrived at an important fork in the road. Do we sit around and let this planet continue to survive, or do we band together and put it out of its misery by giving it a quick death? It’s time to take action, millennials. Do it for your fellow human beings and stop letting the needs of the few (to survive) outweigh the needs of the many (to explode and die). Roll up your sleeves and assassinate the Earth.