YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN…

Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes… You know you’re in California when……

  • you step off the plane at LAX?

1. Your coworker has eight body-piercings and none are visible.

  • Isn’t that the truth? I just had both my kidneys pierced.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

  • But I could, actually, with a $300,000 salary. Mortgage rates are at an all-time low.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

  • I am not easily shocked.

4. Your child’s third-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

  • In third grade, I perfected cursive handwriting. Then I stopped using it completely in fifth grade, I think, and reverted to using all capitals. My teacher, Mrs. Lombard, had blond hair.

5. You can’t remember… is pot illegal?

  • Yes.

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

  • Was this that one last July? That guy was the sperm donor? I thought he was the rabbi or something. I was pretty wasted though. Shit. Is pot illegal?

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

  • Yes. I feel very strongly about this.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

  • Arugula is an aromatic salad green. A half-cup serving has two calories.

9. You can’t remember… is pot illegal?

  • Still. Yes.

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

  • Totally. Except, not really though.

11. A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

  • Those pesky pot-smugglers.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

  • That’s why I drive to Alabama and back every morning for my gas.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.

  • I notice everything.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.

  • George Clooney suffers from bleeding stomach ulcers, and is still on medication for stomach pain to this day.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

  • If this is true, then your car is too expensive relative to your house.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

  • This would make an interesting TV sitcom.

17. You can’t remember… is pot illegal?

  • Yes.

18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH 2003.”

  • In 1962, a blast that has come to be known as the ‘Columbus Day Storm’ raked the coast from northern California to British Columbia in Canada, killing forty-six people. It blew down fifteen billion board feet of timber and caused $235 million in property damage—$1.3 billion in today’s dollars.

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 p.m. Tae Bo class.

  • In my opinion, high-energy fighting-style workouts blatantly promote violence.

20. You pass an elementary-school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

  • Do you think they’re selling pot?

21. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

  • The first ten minutes after light rain begins are the most dangerous. The rain mixes with oil from motor vehicles and oil from new asphalt. The result is a slippery roadway. If it rains hard and long enough, the rain washes off the oil and the slippery conditions are reduced.

22. Hey!!!! Is pot Illegal????

  • Yes.

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

  • Swimming therapy for dogs has been proven to be beneficial for hip dysplasia.

24. The Terminator is going to be your next governor.

  • Don’t look at me. I voted for Mary Carey.