My Name is Dave and I Am the Author of Beowulf and I Would Like to Apologize to the Goodreads Community

Hello Goodreaders, I just thought I’d chime in here quickly. My name’s Dave and actually, I’m the guy who wrote Beowulf. I was just browsing this evening and I noticed that some wag has marked “Unknown” as the Author of my book. But you guys can now just write “Dave” after Author because I am the author. Sorry I didn’t catch this earlier.

Anyway, can I just say that I am heartened to see that my book enjoys an average star rating of 3.42? That’s pretty darn great and I’m pleased as mead. Deep bows to you all. But but but but… the monster in the room is that I have a few unhappy readers out there. Oh, boy! AJ Griffin commented, “God do I hate this fucking book.” While Skyler Meyers pointed out that, “Naming all of the tribes and people can get confusing.”

I would just like to extend my sincere apologies for the general let-down here. There are certain moments in the text that I too was worried about, but Doug (my agent) was like, “No, Dave, just keep in all of the confusing names and people.” He assured me that no one would respond with something like, “God, do I hate this fucking book.” “Dave,” he said, "they’re going to say ‘God, do I LOVE it!’”

But now it looks like Doug was really off the mark.

So, AJ and Skyler, and everyone else, please accept my heartfelt apology. One writes these things in a rush of delight — hoping to reach as many readers as possible. But one makes errors all the same. If I could do it all over again, AJ, I would have more car chases, more snappy banter between Beowulf and Grendel, and decidedly less alliteration — as well as tons less confusing names and people. Believe me.

Also, and since I haven’t reaped a single royalty from any of the sales (digital, paper, film, merchandise — nothing, zilch), I’d like to call Doug out right now as one lousy agent. Doug, wherever you are, you surely reek of putrid fiscesethel.

Finally, to the entire Goodreads community, thanks a lot for the 5000+ reviews and for doing your part to support independent literature. Oh, and please hit me up if the notion of a “Beowulf by Dave” oversized ceramic stein sounds like your kind of office statement.