My Very Good Friend

ELIZABETHAN PLAYWRIGHT: Did you see that new show, Hamlet?

ELIZABETHAN ACTOR: Did I see it? I was at the opening!

PLAYWRIGHT: You were? I didn’t see you there.

ACTOR: Probably cause I was sitting right up front. I got tickets from the writer. He’s a very good friend.

PLAYWRIGHT: You know William?

ACTOR: You mean, Billy? Of course I know him. He’s one of my oldest, dearest friends.

PLAYWRIGHT: Strange. He’s never mentioned you. We’ve been friends since he thought had plague.

ACTOR: Billy thought he had plague?

PLAYWRIGHT: From fleas. He didn’t tell that many people about it.

ACTOR: He probably just didn’t want to worry me. He’s the godfather of my wife’s best friend’s children, so we’re very close.

PLAYWRIGHT: (rolls eyes) Sounds like it. He actually based one of the characters in Hamlet on me.

ACTOR: Oh really, which one?

PLAYWRIGHT: One of the guards. One of the good guys, obviously.

ACTOR: That’s so funny. One time I asked him if he’d ever write about me and he said that he knew me too well. That it’d be too weird.

PLAYWRIGHT: Well, I guess we have too much history together for him to avoid writing about me. You remember the part where the main guy sees the ghost of his dad?

ACTOR: Yeah, of course. I’ve seen the show like three times!

PLAYWRIGHT: Well, that’s pretty much based on me too. Cause I have a fear of ghosts and we were talking about that one day and he was like, “I should put that in a play.”

ACTOR: Yeah, well King John is actually loosely based on what happened to my Uncle Steve after he was fired from the blacksmith.

PLAYWRIGHT: That’s too bad — no one’s really seen King John. But if I see William, I’ll tell him I ran into you.

ACTOR: Not if I see him first.

AEROSPACE ENGINEER: Did you see Neil Armstrong in space last night?

NASA SCIENTIST: Of course I saw him! I felt like I was practically there with him. Why? Do you know Neil?

ENGINEER: Know him? He’s one of my very good friends. He was at my wedding. How do you know him?

SCIENTIST: We’ve been working together for years. We’re kind of like joined at the hip. It’s actually kind of scary!

ENGINEER: When he said, “One small step for man,” I think he was talking about me.

SCIENTIST: Really? I’m pretty sure he was referring to himself.

ENGINEER: No. It was me. It’s based on an inside joke we have. About me having small feet.

SCIENTIST: Hmm. I guess Neil and I don’t really have time for little jokes. We’re just so engaged in our work.

ENGINEER: That’s too bad. He works so hard and it’s important to be able to just wind down after a long day with a true friend.

SCIENTIST: Well, originally he wasn’t even gonna walk on the moon. They were just gonna land and come back home. But then, Neil and I were talking and I was like, “Neil, you’re always selling yourself short” — which is true, he really is so hard on himself — so I was like, “You should actually get out of the spaceship and walk on the moon.” And then, six months later, my little idea is all over the news! But I don’t feel like he owes me anything.

ENGINEER: Wow, so you’re the one who suggested he walk on the moon and totally risk his life? I guess I just care about Neil the person more than I care about Neil the famous astronaut. I wouldn’t care if he never walked on the moon again.

SCIENTIST: I’d prefer he never walked on the moon again! Just so we could hang out more frequently.

MY SISTER: Did you speak to Jesse?

MY MOTHER: Who?

SISTER: Jesse Eisenberg.

MOTHER: Oh! Jesse Eisenberg!

SISTER: Yeah. He’s your son.

MOTHER: Oh, well technically, he’s my son. I mean, biologically. But it doesn’t really feel that way.

SISTER: Me too! It’s like, he’s my brother? But that doesn’t mean I have to, like, speak to him everyday.

MOTHER: I practically never speak to him.

SISTER: I didn’t even call him on his birthday.

MOTHER: I don’t even know when his birthday is.

SISTER: I purposely forgot his birthday. Just to sever the ties a little.

MOTHER: Totally get that! I haven’t even googled him. You know, just to see what he’s up to without having to ask him.

SISTER: Do you know if he’s dating anybody?

MOTHER: Probably not. But who knows.

SISTER: Certainly not me.

MOTHER: In fact, I never really even considered him a son.

SISTER: I never really considered him a brother.

MOTHER: I always just thought of him like he was my very good friend.