Now That the Sun Has Become a Giant Red Star Ready to Consume Our Planet, My Office Isn’t That Cold Anymore!

Well, it finally happened! Our sun has begun its helium-burning process, turning it into a red giant star. Its outer layers have already engulfed Mercury and Venus, and now it’s coming for us. And you know what? My office is finally warm enough to take my scarf off!

Despite this once life-giving star morphing into a supernova ready to scorch our planet and eradicate our species at any moment, my office routine has drastically changed for the better. I no longer start my day aggressively scrolling through Anthropologie’s sweater collection while avoiding any and all eye contact with my colleagues. Nor do I cling white-knuckled to a hot cup of coffee for an hour, waiting for my glasses to thaw so I can feel my nose again. And as a fun added bonus, my fingers have stopped turning blue when I type up an email or search for windsurfing jobs in the Caribbean!

I know what you’re going to ask, and the answer is yes: I have put away my Eskimo-grade caribou skin and matching parka that I usually wear at my desk. I did leave a pair of hat and gloves in my drawer, though, just in case it gets a little chilly in the evening, or I need to shield myself from the fiery earthquakes and 10,000-foot tsunamis.

All in all, it’s a big moment for women in the workplace. As the red giant’s core continues to collapse in on itself and swallow whole planets in its path, what was once a cold, dark office space has transformed into a cozy, warm oasis. At long last, it has become a place where I can talk openly with my coworkers without having to cross my arms and rock back and forth ever so slightly, trying not to let my teeth chatter.

It’s also made me much more productive, and more willing to respond to emails that actually pertain to my job! If only someone had thought to turn up the thermostat say, I don’t know, five billion years ago before the sun was ready to vaporize all life on Earth, who knows what kind of exponential progress humankind would have achieved! Specifically at a mid-sized, regional IT corporation.

Oh well, c’est la vie, I guess!