“Smells like cigarettes and includes business card of practicing metaphysician.”

“Some pages may contain Nutri-Grain bar crumbs and specks of cat litter.”

“Spine of book may have been moderately damaged during hypomanic episode.”

“Some margins may be marked with ethnic slurs and/or Pottery Barn wish lists.”

“Back cover flap appears to have been partially consumed by a goat.”

“I hid a lock of hair somewhere in this one.”

“Blood everywhere.”