Exciting new employment opportunity! Odyssey Cruise Lines is now staffing for a once-in-a-lifetime, ten-year expedition through the Aegean Sea. We’re seeking real go-getters with an appetite for adventure and a willingness to get your hands dirty, bloody, scratched, chewed, and in some cases, fully consumed.
Now offering a competitive rate of $21 per hour!
What we’re looking for
Odyssey Cruise Lines deckhands are anything but ordinary. We strive to assemble a diverse team of white male sailors with long, shaggy, unkempt beards between the ages of twenty-three and twenty-six.
Our ideal candidate is a self-motivated, detail-oriented team player with five-plus years of experience in swabbing decks, ship self-defense-system engineering, hand-to-hand combat, and speaking in thousands of lines of nonsensical poetry. Solid working relationship with Greek god of the sea Poseidon a major plus.
Applicants must pass a rigorous physical test, including swimming across a choppy channel while seductive Sirens lure you into the rocky shores, dragging your coworkers back to the ship after lotus flowers have fried their minds, and resisting the urge to sleep with the captain’s wife. Failure to pass will result in death.
Must be CPR and AED certified.
What we bring to the job
Odyssey Cruise Lines isn’t a company. We’re a family. When you join our team, you will form friendships that last a lifetime (length of lifetime not guaranteed). When you’re on our ship, no matter your job title, you are somebody. Unless you are being chased by an eight-foot, one-eyed cyclops. In that case, for safety purposes, you are nobody.
Once hired, you will be given a warm welcome with a comprehensive signing bonus that includes a broken oar, a sixteen-ounce Hydro Flask filled with seawater, and a single lime from 540 BC. When we’ve set sail, deckhands will have unlimited access to our ancient state-of-the-art kitchen, fully stocked with hardtack and nothing else.
Enjoy biweekly fifteen-minute breaks, taking in the breathtaking view as the six-headed monster Scylla swallows your best friend whole. Spend a year as a pig. Voice your frustrations and concerns in a safe environment made possible by our partnership with BetterHelp. Unfortunately, Hades isn’t the most patient therapist.
These are just a few of the exciting privileges we bring to the table. There are admittedly more than a few ways to be eaten alive on the job, but we’re paying our new hires $21 per hour. That’s still better than Icarus Airlines.
Some jobs offer stability, while others provide neverending chaos and bloodshed. It should also be noted that we are not a cruise line. We are listed as a cruise line for tax purposes. It’s easier to explain than “Doomed expedition just kind of drifting around for ten years.” Plus, “doomed expedition” doesn’t exactly have insurance companies jumping for joy. And trust me, you’re going to want to sign up for that AD&D policy before you even set foot on deck.
DO NOT EAT THE HOLY COWS.
We are not desperate. We are just frantically trying to fill 472 open positions to replace the deckhands who walked off on the job due to widespread scurvy, blood-filled cabins, and “unsafe working conditions.” Our Glassdoor reviews are abysmal. But at $21 per hour, what have you got to lose?
We can’t wait for you to meet your fate aboard Odyssey Cruise Lines. Apply today!