1. Tickling is for children. We are adults and this is an adult situation. Also, I am extremely ticklish. No tickling.

2. The sex swing is really only for the sake of atmosphere. It’s broken and dangerous, so just steer clear.

3. I lost the key for the handcuffs. Please refrain from using them. The last thing I want to do is spend my own orgy on the phone with a locksmith.

4. I just had the pantry/dungeon room painted black so the fumes are still pretty strong. Try not to stay in there for more than twenty minutes.

5. My grandparents are staying at my apartment this weekend. They’ll be in the guest bedroom, just off the kitchen. Needless to say that room is off limits. And if you happen to be having sex in the kitchen, run the blender so they won’t hear you.

6. Because people are likely to shout all kinds of things during the orgy, it’s important that we have a few code phrases. “Third degree burn” means “please stop, you’re hurting me.” “Radiation sickness” means “I have an STD.” Finally, “Hiroshima” means “I’m about to come.” I realize that these codes might be a little complicated, but there was an amazing documentary about nuclear attacks on the History Channel last night and I found it really inspiring. Basically, it’s super important to me that we use these codes. Thanks.

7. Grandma sometimes has night terrors so don’t be alarmed if you hear a little screaming. I guess that’s really par for the course at an orgy anyway, so it’s not such a big deal.

8. No “cheating spouse” role play. This is Sarah’s first orgy since her divorce and we don’t want her getting upset and ruining all the sex.

9. You know that History Channel special I told you about? It will be playing on the TV in the living room. Whenever you need a break, check it out; it’ll blow your mind.

10. My grandparents have a service monkey. His name is Mark Antony. He’s usually pretty cool. Just avoid eye contact and acting like you are having a night terror.

11. Everybody has their limits. Please don’t make people feel ashamed because of things they are unwilling or unable to do. Or if they have anatomical inadequacies. And no unsolicited staring. Especially at Barry.

12. Make sure to write your name on your clothing bag and double check when you leave to make sure you didn’t take anyone else’s clothing. It’s likely to be chilly outside so I don’t want anyone having to leave naked. Derrick can tell you his terrible frost bite story if you need more convincing.

13. DO NOT let Grandpa join the orgy. He is a retired car salesman and can be a smooth talker, but despite what he says, my grandparents DO NOT have an open relationship. If he inquires, just tell him we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons or some other game that involves me making sounds like an angry ogre.

14. As long as everyone is respectful and sticks to these guidelines, I’m sure we’ll hear a plenty of “Hiroshima”s and relatively few night terror screams.