Everyone! Everyone! Guys and Julie! Gather around!
Thanks for attending this emergency meeting. There are craft beers, soft-pretzel bread with aioli mustard, and other snacks available, so feel free to dig in.
I know it’s been a rough but exciting week for us, as our airline rewards exchange platform has grown much faster than we expected. Before I get into this week’s rundown, I want to address something that has come to my attention. Apparently, a couple of people out there in the blogosphere are criticizing us for not having enough women or minorities on staff. The truth is they don’t see diversity the way we see it. We just happen to believe in a more holistic understanding of diversity. I mean, just look at how fucking diverse our catering is!
Just this week, we’ve had Pad Thai made with hand-ground pork that contained subtle but evocative hints of tamarind. We’ve ordered yellow curry lamb and organic Sag Paneer from that Indian place that delicately fuses old- and new-world flavors. We’ve eaten succulent Jollof Rice with firewood-braised-Columbian plantains, all the while providing frequent flyers with a means to monetize their excess miles through beautiful user experience design and safe-payment technology.
These haters who are writing about how white and male we are just don’t consider our commitment to having a diverse collection of meals for our team as we work to change the world by radically simplifying the way that people collect and trade airline miles. Having a steady supply of Korean-Mexican fusion beef tacos and Bulgogi with thrice-fried rice keeps our team fueled and reduces the friction between users and their airlines’ loyalty rewards.
Remember when Jimmy went on that walkabout trip to Southeast Asia that was sponsored by one of our brand partners? Remember all the Pho and Bahn Mi we had? For like a whole month, all we could talk about was buckwheat noodles and the right ratio of sprig to basil in Wonton Soup. Does anyone even remember what our code looked like before we discovered Kuaytiaw Khua Kai? Diverse meals don’t just make for good lunches; they make for great business decisions.
I remember when Adam started dating his girlfriend, Rosa. All of a sudden this office was like tamale this and torta that. We couldn’t make it through one of our coding sessions without a steady stream of Horchata. I hate to think what would have happened if we hadn’t hired that taco truck from the Outer Mission before our last update shipped out.
Look, let’s be real: it’s not like we haven’t been looking for diverse candidates. I asked around. My bartender didn’t know anybody. My Uber driver didn’t either. Same goes for my doorman. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to do? I’ve got a Series B round coming up and we need to start showing enough revenue for the proposed valuation, and this kind of press is a distraction. We believe in a diversity of palates—that should be enough.
Alright. Meeting adjourned. Be sure to grab a slice of this Cherokee Huckleberry bread on the way out. It’s dee-lish!