Thank you for choosing the Inquisition for your confessional needs. We appreciate the opportunity to serve the Pope, the Church, God, and, of course, you the consumer.

It is our goal to leave each and every one of our end-users with a lasting impression of their time with us. Please take the following brief survey so we can improve the Inquisition Experience for others (or possibly yourself, should you again fall into sin and error). Thank you, and remember: God will judge your responses!

1. How did you learn about the Inquisition?

  • Parish priest
  • Papal bull/decretal
  • Terrified whispers
  • Witches’ coven
  • Print advertising

2. Which Inquisition branch did you visit?

  • Rome
  • Innsbruck
  • Córdoba
  • Pop-up in local town square
  • Don’t know/can’t remember/had hood over head

3. On a scale of 1-12, with 1 being the Dark Night of the Soul and 12 being the number of the Apostles, rate your Inquisitor on the following:

  • Cleanliness
  • Knowledge
  • Dogmatic fanaticism
  • Fanatic dogmatism
  • Fondness for thumbscrews

4. Which of the following words/phrases come to mind when you think of the Inquisition? (Choose all that apply.)

  • Experienced
  • Doing God’s work
  • Not exactly squeamish
  • Service-oriented
  • Burn at the stake
  • Inquisitive
  • Oh God, not my eyes

5. What is your biggest fear?

  • Hell
  • Sin
  • Disobedience
  • Water
  • Rats
  • Didn’t use to be the sound of sharpening metal, but now it kind of is

6. Which of the following would you use to describe yourself before your Inquisition experience? (Choose all that apply)

  • Reformer
  • Visionary
  • Astronomer
  • Jew

7. Which of the following would you use to describe yourself after your Inquisition experience? (Choose all that apply, but only one is correct)

  • Sinner
  • Christian
  • Christian, but still a Sinner
  • Whatever you tell me I am

8. How likely are you to recommend the Spanish Inquisition to others?

  • Very unlikely
  • Somewhat unlikely
  • Somewhat likely
  • Very likely
  • Please stop, I’ll do anything

Thank you for taking our survey. Your answers will be recorded and evaluated, and if necessary, we will schedule a follow-up appointment for you. Go in peace and sin no more. (If you do, we’ll know.)