What he says: “You don’t need to wear all that makeup!”
What he means: “I resent that you feel empowered through your use of stereotypically feminine products and I wish I couldn’t tell that you were wearing makeup.”
What he says: “I’ll pay for dinner.”
What he means: “I make so much money that I can pay for two dinners. I know that you also make money but I would like to maintain a certain power dynamic.”
What he says: “Let me get the door for you.”
What he means: “You’ve been talking a lot about how straight white men are the problem but let me show you that I can do nice things, like hold the door. And remember how I paid for dinner?”
What he says: “I like your shirt.”
What he means: “Is this compliment going to make you want me to touch you again? We haven’t had sex since the election.”
What he says: How’s Emily? [over-pronounced vowels, like he’s never heard the name ‘Emily’ before]
What he means: “Your friend Emily is the only person of color I know and ‘her community’ seems really worked up about this whole Trump thing.”
What he says: “Chivalry isn’t dead.”
What he means: “I paid for dinner!!!”
What he says: “Things have been really hard for me lately.”
What he means: “I have convinced myself that people can be racist against white people.”
What he says: “Everyone assumes I voted for Trump just because I’m white.”
What he means: “I voted for Gary Johnson.”
What he says: “Let’s give Trump a chance.”
What he means: “I’ve been thinking really hard and I literally can’t think of a way that Trump’s presidency will actually hurt me.”
What he says: “Bernie would have won.”
What he means: “Hillary should have been a man.”
What he says: “Abandon identity politics.”
What he means: “Abandon YOUR identity politics and embrace mine, which I see as baseline and default.”
What he says: “I’m tired of PC culture.”
What he means: “Why won’t you let me, a white man, say the n-word?! Kanye does it! And he loves Trump! What point am I trying to make?”