Modern life can be confusing. Your sense of safety and identity is, by necessity, constantly changing based on things you read on Twitter, see on the fake news, and hear about from some someone who told someone you know about that awful thing Obama did.

Are you a liberal, a conservative, a Russian artificial intelligence created to sow discord in American society, or one of the thirteen hardened democrats working on Robert Mueller’s witch hunt Russia investigation? Take this quiz to help you find out exactly where you fit in our modern America!

1. Have you ever been denied service by a restaurant, store, or another service provider?

A. No (25 points)
B. Yes (0 points)

2. If you answered Yes to question 1, was this denial due to any of the following reasons? (Check all that apply):

A. Religion (0 points)
B. Ethnicity (0 points)
C. Sexual orientation (0 points)
D. Country of origin (0 points)
E. Your supervisor’s implementation of systemic discrimination based on all of the above (75 points)

3. If you answered Yes to question 1 and the explanation was not listed in the responses to question 2 above, please check all likely descriptions of the original denial of service:

A. Hypothetical (10 points)
B. Logical fallacy (10 points)
C. False equivalency (10 points)
D. Whataboutism (10 points)
E. Super annoyed about how fancy you think you are with answers A through D and would really like to own the libs by checking a different answer right now (50 points)
F. Potentially related to your occupation of a federal wildlife reserve (70 points)
G. This has never happened to me but I am hyper-concerned about the possibility that it might someday because Obama (35 points)

4. If you checked G, are you a handgun, rifle, or assault weapon, or an individual representing the rights of real or hypothetical handguns, rifles, or assault weapons?

A. No (0 points)
B. Yes (75 points)

5. Mike Huckabee’s Twitter account is (choose one):

A. Hilarious (25 points)
B. Racist (0 points)
C. Hilariously racist (75 points)

6. The full-length movies made by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Team America: World Police, and South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, would best be described as (choose one):

A. Hollywood liberal garbage trolling real Americans and their real American beliefs and way of life (20 points)
B. Hilarious send-ups of both traditional conservative and liberal values (0 points)
C. Puppet and cartoon movies, respectively, that serious grown-up people would never watch (3 points)
D. Containing some interesting foreign policy positions that might be considered by a right-thinking American President. (35 points)

7. Should we lock her up? (Check all that apply):

A. Yes! (25 points)
B. No (0 points)
C. Fuck yes! (35 points)
D. What? (0 points)
E. Trump that bitch! (50 points)
F. I would require more information to answer this question (0 points)

8. If you answered either A, C, or E, please indicate the reasons you believe she should be locked up. (Check all that apply):

A. Fuck her! (50 points)
B. Fuck you! (25 points)
C. Obama (50 points)

9. Benghazi? (Choose one):

A. Benghazi! (50 points)
B. The second most populous city in Libya. (0 points)
C. Jesus Christ. I mean, come on, still with this? (0 points)

10. Do you feel a trade war with China and Europe and Canada and Mexico and pretty much all the other countries that aren’t Russia or Israel could have a negative effect on the U.S. economy? (Choose one):

A. No. (25 points)
B. Yes. (0 points)
C. I understand that trade wars are easy to win. (25 points)
D. Something about shoes and milk in Canada. (15 points)
E. Fuck that Justin Trudeau with his pretty face and real hair. (35 points)
F. USA! USA! (50 points)

Tally Your Score

If you scored between 0 to 10 points: Sorry. You are not a modern conservative.

If you scored between 10 to 795 points: Congratulations! You are a modern conservative!