Learn to Speak Russian
(Like Your Life Depends on It)
“Where is the bathroom?”
Gde tualet?
A good phrase to know in any language.
“Hello, nice to meet you.”
Zdravstvuyte, priyatno poznakomit’sya.
Best accompanied by a broad smile that indicates you’re not a threat. You never know who’s a mole.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…”
Spasibo, spasibo, spasibo, spasibo, spasibo…
This cannot be said enough, especially to state officials. (Thirty-three times is too few.)
“Many thanks! Endless thanks! A world of thanks!”
Ogromnoye spasibo! Beskonechnoye spasibo! Mir blagodarnosti!
Say this when a bureaucrat insults you in public.
“Please put that on the record.”
Zanestite eto v protocol, pozhalusta..
Use this phrase immediately after offering thanks. You know, just in case.
“That suit makes you look strong and legitimate.”
Etot kostyum zastavlyaet vas viglyadit silnim i zakonnym.
Ideal for greeting strange men with little to no expertise and a mind-boggling amount of power.
“I’m from America.”
Ya Amerikanets.
Deploy this when meeting new friends, or when you’re alone and just need to remind yourself.
“The eggs are cheap in my heart.”
Yaytsa deshovy v moyom serdtse.
Use this anytime you need to explain that facts are subjective.
“Who has been fired today?”
Kovo segodnya uvolili?
Best accompanied by a hearty laugh that shows you are pleased with the firings and you’re not personally afraid for your own livelihood.
“I would like the borscht, please.”
Mne by khotelos borscha, pozhaluysta.
Say this in a Mexican restaurant to demonstrate your cultural fealty.
“Mmm, borscht again!”
Bolshe borshcha, davai!
Say this when beets are all you can afford.
“I am prepared to take your loyalty test.”
Ya gotov proyti vashim testom na loyal’nost’.
This phrase should be spoken loudly, so no one can say you aren’t.
“Where do you keep your mistresses?”
Gde vy derzhite svoikh lyubovnitsov?
Use sparingly—such as when you’ve infiltrated a closed-door game of cards with party bosses over Russian cigars (the only ones now available).
“All these armed guards make me feel safe.”
Vse eti vooruzhennye okhranniki pozvolyayut mne chuvstvovat’ sebya v bezopasnosti.
Most effective when spoken within earshot of the dozen armed guards standing on every block.
“Watch out: That professor has a book!”
Ostorozhno! U etogo professora kniga!
Often shouted in situations of intellectual threat.
“A thousand thanks for your wisdom!”
Tysyacha blagodarnostey za vashu mudrost!
Direct this at the AI that determines your public health job is inefficient.
“America is blessed with freedom of speech.”
Amerika blagoslovlena svobodoy slova.
Say this when you are approached for a casual “man on the street” interview. If you forget, don’t worry—they’ll have it written on an obligatory cue card.
“Where is the closest nuclear fallout shelter?”
Gde blizhayshee yadernoe ubeshtishche?
Ask this question when you’ve strolled under a mushroom cloud.
“The country is finally safe from liberals.”
Strana nakonets-to v bezopasnosti ot liberalov.
This makes a great icebreaker for everyone hunkering down in the fallout shelter.
“My name is Olga.”
Menya zovut Olga.
Say this because your name is Olga now.
“I am a patriot!”
Ya patriot!
This affirmation is best repeated every hour.
“I will fight for my country.”
Ya budu srazhat’sya za moyu stranu.
Say this while wrapping yourself in the Russian flag, sobbing.
“Sorry, can you tell me where I am?”
Izvinite, mozhete skazatʹ, gde ya?
Use this when you no longer recognize your own country.