1. Grandparents who are alive, healthy, live nearby, and agile enough to get down onto the floor to clean up meals and snacks but not too agile that they would rather be out walking their shih tzus, biking across the Dutch countryside, or doing literally anything else with their time.

2. A parent who can exclusively work from home and their company will happily pay them to jiggle their mouse every hour, leaving plenty of time for the toddler’s requests for the parent to sing twenty-eight rounds of “Down by the Bay.”

3. A Swedish au pair named Maja. Her family is independently wealthy, and she’s just doing this “job” so she’ll have something for her college applications. All she asks is to stay in the guesthouse (that you definitely have) and be paid in Mint Oreos.

4. A community college student named Maya, whom you have scammed into coming to your house every day to be your unpaid intern. She mistakenly believes she will receive credit for a class entitled: “Early Childhood Development and Perpetually Sucking Mucus Through a Straw.”

5. A beautiful bisexual named Mia, whom you and your partner are pursuing on Bumble. Mia adores children, is CPR certified, has tons of experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, doesn’t need to be paid, because she was an early investor in crypto, and is over the moon about the idea of being in a throuple. If only Mia existed.

6. A woman who is mostly a stay-at-home mom, except she works at a seasonal Christmas store two weeks out of the year, so the child tax credit covers exactly what daycare costs for that merry and bright fortnight.

7. A mom who wanted to go back to school to become a dermatologist, but given the cost of childcare, the only thing that makes sense is to stay at home and promote a mid-level marketing skin care scheme on Facebook.

8. A man who is a stay-at-home dad, except when the tax return arrives, he takes the entire amount of the child tax credit, claims it as his pay for a job valiantly done, and then blows it all at the blackjack tables on a weekend guys’ trip to Reno.

9. A McDonald’s that has one of those ball-pit play spaces you can deposit your kid into on your way to work. You must be okay with many people being around your kid (while no one specific person watches out for her safety). Think of this as the McVillage approach to childcare. Includes a steady diet of floor McNuggets.

10. A toddler who is brought to the mom’s office and expected to stay under the desk like grandma’s shih tzu. The kid invariably roams free and clogs the toilet with a toy train. When the mom’s boss tells her this can not continue, the mom delivers a tearful Oscar-worthy speech about how the toddler is her emotional support animal. The boss then gives a standing ovation and says, “Of course your child can stay.”

11. A toddler who is an eighteen-month-old Matilda-level genius; fully capable of getting herself all her own meals and snacks, reading to herself, and changing her own diapers. In return, she asks that you deposit fifty dollars per month into her 529 college account, which she set up herself. Also, she does your taxes by telekinesis.

12. Mary Poppins, who accepts payment in the form of Lucky Charms, applause for her songs, and a smartphone so she can go on Hinge dates with local chimney sweeps.

13. Mary Poppins, on Amazon Prime.

14. Larry, grandpa’s shih tzu. Larry is just like Lassie, if Lassie didn’t understand the command “Get help!” and got distracted by discarded Popeye’s containers. Larry’s vet bill for getting his stomach pumped after he eats a bag of diapers actually comes out to the exact amount of the child tax credit.

15. A baby-proofed home, two nanny cams, and Larry’s doggie bowl filled with Cheddar Bunnies.