In this column, Kimberly Harrington shares updates on some of literature’s, film’s, and television’s more problematic men. Because even the fictional ones feel entitled to redemption.
NEW YORK TIMES: “Is it too soon for Louis C.K. to be performing again?”
JERRY SEINFELD: “No. It’s the way he did it that I think people didn’t like. Some people didn’t like that he’s doing it at all. We know the routine: The person does something wrong. The person’s humiliated. They’re exiled. They suffer, we want them to suffer. We love the tumble, we love the crash and bang of the fall. And then we love the crawl-back. The grovel. Are you going to grovel? How long are you going to grovel?” (New York Times, October 26, 2018)
SEINFELD, Ep. 181
“The Grovel”
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT — DAY
LATE MORNING, JERRY IS POURING HIMSELF A BOWL OF CEREAL. GEORGE IS EATING DOUGHNUTS FROM A BAG.
JERRY
So a thing happened last night at the club.
GEORGE
A thing.
JERRY
It was a thing alright. Remember Louis?
GEORGE
Can’t place him.
JERRY
Bald but not bald. Really plays up the loser bit.
GEORGE
So me, but successful.
JERRY
Anyway, apparently, he has a history of,
you know, taking it out in front of women.
GEORGE
It.
JERRY
It. And giving it the ol’ one-handed how ya doin’.
GEORGE
(chokes on his doughnut, sets it down)
Hold on a minute. Are you saying
what I think you’re saying?
JERRY
I’m speaking your language, buddy boy.
GEORGE
He’s been taking it out in front of women? Backstage? And …
JERRY
… giving it a real workout. Yes.
GEORGE
So, you wouldn’t characterize him as
the master of his domain.
JERRY
Not unless it’s the public one, no.
KRAMER COMES FLYING THROUGH THE DOOR AND SKIDS TO A STOP
KRAMER
Jerry, I need some pants.
GEORGE
Perfect timing.
JERRY
You’re not touching any pants of mine.
(to George)
I mean, far be it for me to take a stance of
any consequence on anything. But
if a guy wants to take his … you know …
KRAMER
We’re talking about penises right now, yeah?
GEORGE
Chances are.
JERRY
As I was saying, if he wants to do that then
who am I to say anything? What am I, the hands
police? I don’t wanna be the hands police.
KRAMER
What’s the uniform like?
JERRY
For what?
KRAMER
Hands police.
JERRY
ANYWAY, here’s the thing — he’s acting
like it’s nothing! He’s saying he feels bad
about it but he’s not acting like he feels bad about it.
KRAMER
You gotta act.
JERRY
Anyone can say they feel bad. But you gotta act
like you feel bad. Saying and acting, two very
different things.
INTERCOM BUZZES, JERRY WALKS OVER TO ANSWER
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
It’s me.
JERRY
Come on up, you’re gonna want a piece of this.
JERRY BUZZES HER IN, OPENS THE DOOR, AND RETURNS TO HIS CEREAL
JERRY
And another thing — even though everyone knows
what he’s been doing, he’s goin’ around town like it’s nothing.
Like he was just, I don’t know, enjoying a milkshake in front
of other people and what’s wrong with enjoying a
milkshake now and then? Who doesn’t love a milkshake?
KRAMER
I love a milkshake.
GEORGE
My entire life is based on the hope
I’ll one day be able to enjoy a milkshake
in front of other people.
JERRY
That’s great, George.
KRAMER
Giddy up.
ELAINE WALKS IN, TAKES OFF HER COAT, THROWS HER BAG DOWN.
ELAINE
What’s up, losers. You talking about penises again?
GEORGE
How?
ELAINE
You all get that stupid look on your faces.
JERRY
We get a look? There’s no look.
KRAMER
Oh there’s a look.
ELAINE
Can’t miss it.
GEORGE
Tell her, Jerry.
JERRY
Okay fine. You remember Louis from the club?
ELAINE
Inflated sense of self-importance? Made making fun
of male hypocrisy his whole thing but then really leaned into
it? Whacks it in front of women who are too traumatized to
do anything about it? That guy?
JERRY
You know?!
ELAINE
Of course I know. Women know.
Especially when someone’s taking his…
business… out for a hard jog around town.
JERRY
And you’re okay with it?
ELAINE
Of course I’m not “okay with it,” Jerry.
No woman is ever okay with it.
You people really overestimate the aesthetics
of those… things. It’s like body dysmorphia
but in the wrong direction.
JERRY
Nice, real nice.
KRAMER
The human body is a beautiful creation, Elaine.
ELAINE
No, it’s not. A little more shame
would do you all some good.
JERRY
George doesn’t need any more shame,
just look at him.
GEORGE
(stuffs the rest of his doughnut in his mouth,
talks with his mouth full)
I’m all set.
ELAINE
Let me ask you something — have you ever known
a woman in your entire life who’s looked at one of
those things out of context and been like,
“You know what, pal. I was going to pick up
my dry cleaning but that looks fantastic.
Let’s get into this.”
JERRY
I’m not saying he’s my hero,
but is it terrible if he gets up and does a set?
GEORGE
Well, he’s my hero.
ELAINE
You’re an idiot. Well, did he do anything about…
(waves her hands around)
… all that?
JERRY
Of course he didn’t! He’s a comedian!
What’s he gonna do Elaine, reflect?
GEORGE
(snorts)
Reflect!
KRAMER
Comedians don’t reflect, Elaine.
Just look at Jerry.
JERRY
Just look at me!
KRAMER
Comedians do whatever they want, Elaine!
They can scream at audiences! Real bad
racist stuff! LIKE THIS LOUD! That’s comedy, baby.
That’s Hollywood.
ELAINE
That’s stupid. You’re all stupid. Hey far be it for me
to suggest anyone get a conscience any time soon,
but maybe he should apologize or I don’t know,
send flowers.
JERRY
Flowers. You want him to send flowers.
GEORGE
That’d be some card. I’d like to be the
one transcribing that message.
JERRY
Alright, alright. So you want the grovel?
ELAINE
I want the grovel.
JERRY
For how long?
ELAINE
You think there’s a system for this?
JERRY
There should be a system for this.
ELAINE
How about forever? He should grovel forever.
KRAMER
(in a high-pitched voice)
But that’s a very long time.
JERRY
That seems like a bit much.
ELAINE
Okay not forever. But for however
long he was doing… that. Plus ten years.
JERRY
Why the extra ten years?
ELAINE
Interest.
JERRY
Interest.
ELAINE
You heard me. Hey, isn’t he kind of a big deal now?
Make-or-break careers type guy?
JERRY
I don’t know, Elaine. How does anyone know
when they’re a big deal? Does someone come
by with a certificate? Did anyone ever approach
Superman and say, “You know what Superman,
you’re a big deal now. Enough with the form-fitting outfits.”
GEORGE
(raising his voice)
How does a man know when he’s too big
a deal to enjoy a milkshake, Jerry?
JERRY
Easy, Biff.
ELAINE
(crosses arms)
How can you not know when you’re a big deal?
He is definitely big deal-aware.
JERRY
You think so, huh?
ELAINE
Oh I know so. He’s a big deal who knows
he’s a big deal and he ruined a bunch of
women with his little one-man show.
JERRY
(throws up his hands)
I give up.
ELAINE
Okay fine, Jerry. But just so I understand — joke telling
is suddenly more important than everything now?
Or did I miss something?
JERRY
Oh you miss some things. But is what he did
really so bad? Disgusting, yes. But bad?
ELAINE
Oh it’s bad.
KRAMER
It’s not good.
JERRY
So he’s just in exile forever then.
Should I pull his fingernails out with a pair
of pliers? Or are you thinking guillotine?
ELAINE
Either would work.
JERRY
Oh come on.
ELAINE
Oh you come on!
JERRY
Hey, who knows, maybe everyone was blowing
this whole thing out of proportion. Maybe it just got
stuffy down there.
ELAINE
Down where? The club?
JERRY
In his pants.
GEORGE
Pants get stuffy.
KRAMER
Buh… yup.
ELAINE
You don’t know from stuffy. Talk to
women about how stuffy it gets …
(points to crotch with both hands)
… down here in Frown Town.
JERRY
I’m just sayin.’
ELAINE
What are you just sayin’?
JERRY
I have no idea anymore.
ELAINE
By the way, what was he even doing at the club
last night? I heard he spends all his time riding
around in his friend’s fancy car, drinking coffee.
JERRY
He dropped in for a surprise set.
ELAINE
So he’s still taking himself out in front of people,
even when no one asked him to.
KRAMER
Good one.
JERRY
Well, I think he still has to make a living, Elaine.
ELAINE
Uh-huh, I see. I see, Jerry.
KRAMER
Oh come on, he wants the attention.
Look at Jerry, you think he hates the attention?
He doesn’t hate the attention. Do you, Jerry?
JERRY
(rolls his eyes)
If people don’t like him, they won’t go see him.
ELAINE
Kinda seems like people end up seeing him no matter what they want.
JERRY
Okay, okay.
ELAINE
I guess I just need to remember that he’s
the real victim here. And here I am, somehow plugging
along, making a living without ever reaching my hands
down into my lady parts and BLAAAAAH spreading
them out all over the place.
GEORGE
But you could.
ELAINE SMACKS GEORGE UP THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
GEORGE
What!
KRAMER
He’s right, you could.
ELAINE
So you really don’t see anything wrong with
what he’s doing? It doesn’t bother you?
JERRY
(sighs)
Elaine, you know what I’ve said from
the beginning. “No hugging, no learning.”
And I really meant that last part.