We all know it’s hard out there for a woman. Between pap smears, probiotic yogurt, and finding a deodorant that won’t leave white streaks on a little black dress — well, you’ve got your hands full. And sometimes it seems like you just can’t keep up. But when it comes to getting intimate with your chronically-flaccid man, there’s no reason to settle for anything less than mind-blowing.

You’re wondering: who am I to dispense advice? Just another 35-year-old with modestly-cut blonde/brunette/anything-but-grey hair, reclining on a sailboat? Well, I’m not here to tell you that I’m an expert. I’m just an amateur tennis player and professional cardigan junkie, with a spouse that makes people say, “Wait… is that Patrick Dempsey’s dad?”

That said, after years of playfully painting wooden garden benches, it’s safe to say that I’ve learned a thing or two about marital intercourse.

Sometimes, it’s the simple things that will rev up your geriatric lumberjack’s engine. You might be laughing at his joke while walking along the beach, or laughing at his joke while walking along a different, rockier beach. When you’re feeling frisky, try slow dancing in your kitchen with a healthy twenty centimeters of clearance in between your torsos. And if you’re sitting side-by-side in a stationary rowboat, you can be sure of one thing: he’s ready for immediate sexual congress.

So, you’ve got your man hornier than a stegosaurus. Now let’s talk about dressing for romance. If the naughtiest paisley blouse in your closet doesn’t set the mood, wind a paisley infinity scarf around your neck, and just watch as his toes curl. Don’t be afraid to have some fun with it; retired Carhartt models love to be teased! Drive your salt-and-peppered hubby wild with anticipation as you slowly slide your way into a sensible penny loafer. Don’t bother to wear your no-show ankle socks, if you know what I mean ;-). Feeling even dirtier? After asking his doctor if his heart is healthy enough for sexual activity, push him onto the divan, slip into your puffiest down vest, and zip it… all the way up.

Of course, your stud muffin already looks like the Gorton’s Fisherman after getting a haircut in Bismarck. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still room for role-play! When it’s time to get frisky, he can become a grizzled baseball coach, a silver-fox firefighter, or a seasoned Buffalo Bills fan with a jawline that could slice through a loaf of sourdough. And the fun’s not just for him! You can try out roleplaying as Susan, a neutrally attractive wife, or Suzanne, a pleasantly alive human woman. Once the erotic fantasy takes over, you know what to do. Hold his hand from your adjacent armchair, and give him that look that says, “I don’t care that your penis is broken.”

If I know one thing about sex, it’s that it’s always with an approachable, wealthy white male — aged 45 to 65 — who just can’t get enough of tossing the old pigskin. But I also know that it’s hard to keep the spark alive after years of sitting atop a mountain in identical clawfoot bathtubs. The important thing to remember is that nothing turns your man on more than you — propped up on your elbows, in a perfectly-made four-poster bed, fully clothed.

Whether your beefcake is teaching you to golf, taking you for a drive in his red Cadillac convertible, or finally allowing you to speak in public, you never know when the moment might strike. So, stay alert! After all, he’s an amateur mechanic, a part-time flannel industry spokesman, and a full-time sex god.