To all Starfleet personnel,

It is with great enthusiasm that we announce Starfleet’s commitment to moving beyond so-called diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives and embracing a post-bias future where everything is fine and no one needs to think too hard about it.

For too long, our DEI programs have distracted us from our true mission: boldly going where no one has gone before, while ensuring the same five conventionally attractive humans get the best bridge assignments.

Effective immediately, the following programs will be discontinued:

  • The Universal Translator Sensitivity Module, which prevented us from making first contact by immediately blurting out phrases like “Whoa, you guys smell insane.” Instead of continuing this program, we will simply assume that every species understands and respects the nuanced diplomacy of saying things louder and slower.
  • The Command Track Accessibility Initiative, which ensured that people with diverse physical and neurological needs could serve in leadership. But since we recently saw a blind guy totally fly the Enterprise once, we’re just going to call that “good enough” and pretend that solves everything.
  • The Vulcan Emotional Intelligence Training, which taught non-Vulcan crew members that just because a Vulcan isn’t crying does not mean they don’t have feelings. It will be replaced by the standard approach of saying, “Wow, you’re so logical,” while they silently suppress the urge to snap your neck.
  • The Anti-Terran Bias Workshops, which were implemented after non-human crew members pointed out that the Federation claims to represent thousands of planets but somehow 95 percent of Starfleet captains have been white guys from Earth. Rather than fixing this, we will simply place a single Andorian officer in the background of a recruitment poster and call it “representation.”
  • The Klingon Sensitivity Program, which was originally created after multiple crew members accidentally triggered honor duels by saying things like “good morning” with too much eye contact. Rather than educating personnel, Starfleet has decided to lean into it and now considers minor stabbing-related injuries to be “a valuable part of cultural exchange.”
  • The Borg Deprogramming Initiative, which helped ex-drones recover their individual identities instead of just standing awkwardly in hallways whispering, “I am Hugh.” Going forward, ex-Borg will simply be given a friendly slap on the back and told to “shake it off.”

“But what about the Prime Directive?”

The Prime Directive remains in place as a guiding principle that we will absolutely violate whenever dramatically convenient.

“Wait, isn’t Starfleet supposed to be a utopian meritocracy?”

Absolutely. And if our leadership team happens to be a rotating cast of the same species and backgrounds over and over again, that is simply the natural result of a fair and just system, not structural bias that needs correcting. If you’re not rising through the ranks, maybe try being born a more inspiring protagonist.

“Doesn’t this decision ignore centuries of systemic inequality?”

It does. And we’re very proud of how efficiently we managed that.

Going forward

We assure you that eliminating DEI initiatives will have no negative consequences—except for anyone who isn’t already perfectly positioned for leadership. But they should simply work harder, learn to navigate unspoken cultural norms more skillfully, and—above all—never, ever, ever complain about it.

Thank you for your continued service. And remember, we don’t see species, gender, or planetary origin; we just see qualified candidates.

Live long and prosper (unless that’s too political now),
Supreme Chair of the Starfleet Initiative for Completely Merit-Based Leadership