Power to mimic characteristics of the kind of people she wants to be with
Ability to turn my faults invisible
Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity
Sonic shield that prevents her from hearing me in the bathroom
Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about her complaining about work for an hour
Ability to control erections when hugging in consolation
Ability to give up control of radio
Power to not feel awkward about using Groupons
Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoyed the songs she put on my mix-tape
Reading-light manipulation
Ability to prevent other men from hitting on my girlfriend
Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant
Water breathing
Rapid tongue-muscle regeneration
Ability to communicate with pets that I’m about to have sex and to not jump on the bed or stare or lick themselves nearby
Echolocation of where condoms are in dark
Memory manipulation (hers and mine) about that one time I couldn’t get it up
Not-getting-dehydrated-ness
Psionic waves released upon ejaculation that make her tired too
Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs
Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when we were supposed to go on that picnic with your new guy friend since it was so-so-obvious I didn’t want to go and, congratulations, I got what I wanted
Power to instantly add “The End” playlist back on my iPhone
Rapid emotional healing
Ability to see into alternate future and relax knowing that, with this argument out of the way, we can finally move forward as we’ll never have another argument like that again
Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power
Superhuman capacity to withstand her going out with her ex-boyfriend when she visits home
Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it
Ability to break through emotional barriers
Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming
Superhuman hearing
Superhuman listening
Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes she makes with her friends
Paranormal power of bestowing on her understanding of source material of all my out-of- context Simpsons, Naked Gun, Billy Madison, and Groundhog Day quotes
Power to transform groceries I got into those she actually asked me to get
Foreknowledge of when she’ll be home after I told her to stay out all night, don’t worry about me, just text whenever you’re home safe
Ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound + not leap to conclusions
Time compression so every second of her not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity
Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry she didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts
Remote viewing
Ability to rapidly turn off remote viewing
Paranormal power to influence accidents to happen so I’m hurt, but not too bad, so she feels shitty that she wasn’t around
Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent
Ability to find perfect metaphor for how she made me feel
Ability to sound convincing when I tell her I want to understand her perspective
Ability to search for specific text messages
Time manipulation
Time-stamp-on-text manipulation
Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as you apparently barely even have sub-human empathy
Ability to control firmness of futon
Super-sensing when I’m not supposed to initiate make-up sex
Ability to control firmness of futon
Power to just let it go
Superhuman ability to explain I don’t have some kind of superhuman ability to pretend I’m someone I’m not, you just put your best self forward when you’re starting to date, don’t act like you didn’t do the same, I wasn’t some kind of sociopath and you’re just as much a sociopath
Ability to travel backwards in arguments
Antonym-ization: the power to make it so she “can do this some more, she just can”
Flight
Power to teleport myself out of a bad relationship instead of staying in it another five years, just to be sure