Take him seriously, not literally. Don’t believe everything he says, but do believe the intention behind his words.
Take him literally, not figuratively. He’s not much of a reader, so if he’s using flowery language, it’s not to impress you. It’s because there’s oil under those flowers.
Take him figuratively, not metaphorically. When he says he wants to impose 25 percent tariffs on our two remaining allies, that’s a figure. He’s using math. But math isn’t a signifier for anything real. Then it would be a metaphor, which is for apes.
Take him metaphorically, not hyperbolically. When he invokes the phrase “manifest destiny,” he does want to expand our empire; he’s only talking about five or six wars. Don’t be overdramatic.
Take him hyperbolically, not parabolically. Twenty years ago, when he said, “You’re fired,” it was just to Gary Busey. Now when he says it, it’s to the whole federal government. It’s different. It may be extreme, but it’s not where he started.
Take him parabolically, not paradoxically. Maybe he is willing to go back around to where he started, actually. His ex-wife is buried in his backyard, after all. But don’t overthink it—he’s not trying to confuse you; he just thought she’d enjoy the ambiance more.
Take him paradoxically, not simplistically. Don’t assume it’s supposed to make sense. Someone could have gone to law school five times and still be unable to figure out these executive orders. Then again, I would never trust someone who went to law school five times. Even once seems like too much.
Take him simplistically, not mythically. He means what he says. If he says, “I want McDonald’s,” he’s referring to the fast food chain. Not the mythical Scottish clan. Though I can see why you’d be confused.
Take him mythically, not technologically. He didn’t mean to give Elon Musk access to all those Oracle servers. He just didn’t know what “Oracle” we were talking about. Honestly, he wants Musk to be his mythical sidekick. Like the Patroclus to his Achilles. Or the donkey to his somebody from the Bible. He’d say who, but he’s never read it.
He meant it technologically, not historically. He doesn’t actually want to take us back to the Gilded Age. He just wants his laptop plated in gold. Is that too much to ask? No, it is not. If you didn’t know how to use your laptop, wouldn’t you want it to be decorative?
Take him historically, not presently. When he trashes DEI, he’s not talking about undoing modern conceptions of diversity. He’s talking about undoing pre-WW2 conceptions of diversity. No more Irish. It’s gotten out of hand.
Don’t take him presently. Take him on the chin. It’s the only option left.
And if at all possible, just take him away. I’m so tired.
In the end, I think we’ll come to see that he meant it all syphilitically, anyway.