Tonight, Canada and the USA square off in the final game of the Four Nations Face-Off to determine first place in the international hockey tournament. And—let’s be honest—America isn’t exactly “likable” these days. In fact, we’re kind of “an irredeemable hellscape.” But the moment the puck drops, perhaps you’ll feel a dormant pang of patriotism you only associate with Simone Biles spinning through the air or watching Bruce Springsteen in a Jeep commercial. It’s not that you want to pull for your own country—how could you possibly live with yourself?—but also, wouldn’t life be simpler if you could?

Well, if you need help justifying your humiliating attachment to your godforsaken country, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Remember: Canada isn’t perfect either. Neil Peart probably flubbed the “Tom Sawyer” drum solo at least once in his life. Margaret Atwood has almost certainly double-booked herself and been late to a coffee date. What if Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” is too powerful? It’s like looking in a mirror.

2. Feeling secondhand embarrassment with those “U-S-A” chants? Well, good news: That’s because it is embarrassing. However, self-awareness is a good first step toward redemption. We can’t be redeemed, so self-acceptance is your best bet.

3. Canada banned Chris Brown from entering the country. This is unquestionably the right call, but it also means we’re stuck with Chris Brown. Screw that.

4. RFK is the secretary of health and human services; Linda McMahon is the nominee for secretary of education. DeLillo-esque? Most definitely. But on the bright side, DeLillo is American. (Not that anyone will read him in a public school ever again…)

5. Also, in 1980, Don DeLillo cowrote a novel under a pseudonym titled Amazons: An Intimate Memoir by the First Woman Ever to Play in the National Hockey League. Doesn’t this grant us anything? Oh, mercy, please save us, Don DeLillo.

6. It’s stupidly hard to immigrate to Canada. Believe me, I’ve tried, and now I’m stuck here rooting for Team USA like a bozo. Meanwhile, Auston Matthews—captain of the American team—will jet back to Toronto to play with the Maple Leafs as soon as the tournament is over. Where is the justice? Why am I watching Miracle for the third time this week? Do I even believe in miracles anymore?

So tune in, buckle up, and pray that—win or lose—Marjorie Taylor Greene doesn’t tweet about hockey ever again.