“Former President Trump is sowing doubt about the election results in Pennsylvania less than one week before Election Day, making explosive and misleading claims about fraud.” — The Hill
This election [WILL BE / IS / WAS] rigged! They have illegally stolen this election from me by using [MAIL-IN BALLOTS / EARLY VOTING / DOMINION MACHINES / THE BASIC MATHEMATIC PRINCIPLE OF COUNTING VOTES].
It’s so obvious that Democrats are stealing the election. And no, this isn’t a projection, although some people claim it is because recently [REPUBLICAN TINA PETERS WAS FOUND GUILTY AND JAILED FOR TAMPERING WITH VOTING MACHINES IN COLORADO / ANOTHER REPUBLICAN OFFICIAL WAS FOUND GUILTY OF VOTING OFTEN AND ILLEGALLY IN GEORGIA / STILL ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WAS FOUND GUILTY AND IMPRISONED FOR VOTER FRAUD IN IOWA / BALLOT BOXES IN OREGON AND WASHINGTON WERE VANDALIZED / A TRUMP FAN HARRASSED VOTERS AT A POLLING STATION IN PENNSYLVANIA / ELON MUSK’S MOM TOLD HER FOLLOWERS TO VOTE MORE THAN ONCE USING FAKE NAMES].
It’s exactly like the last time Democrats stole the election from me. Remember that? It seems like only yesterday when [I ASKED GEORGIA’S SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER TO FIND ME 11,780 VOTES TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS / I PRESSURED MIKE PENCE TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS / RUDY GIULIANI TRIED TO PERSUADE LEGISLATORS TO OVERTHROW THE ELECTION RESULTS / RUDY GIULIANI IMMORTALIZED THE FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING BUSINESS IN HOLMESBURG, PENNSYLVANIA].
Those evil Democrats steal everything, don’t they? And stealing is clearly immoral, just like [STEALING MONEY FROM STUDENTS / STEALING CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FROM THE GOVERNMENT / SETTING UP A SHELL COMPANY TO STEAL MONEY FROM YOUR OWN COMPANY AND THEN FALSIFYING DOCUMENTS SO YOU CAN PAY OFF A PORN STAR IN ORDER TO HIDE THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR WHILE YOU’RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016].
Voter fraud is the only possible explanation for why I [WON’T BE / AM NOT / WASN’T] the winner of a landslide victory. Why else would voters not choose me, the man who [HOO BOY WHERE DO I EVEN START? / THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE LONGEST LISTS IN HISTORY / HONESTLY, IT’S WAY TOO LONG FOR A SHORT SATIRE PIECE, SO JUST CLICK HERE]?
As I’ve said many times and so famously that it’s evolved into a TikTok trend, illegals are coming into the country to eat the dogs and cats, but they’ve also come to steal the election. I know that just saying the word “illegals” will likely trigger your [KNEEJERK / XENOPHOBIC / RACIST AND DEEPLY IGNORANT / HINCHCLIFFE-STYLE JOKE] response. I just hope all that baseless hatred [WILL GET / IS GETTING / GOT] enough of you to the voting booth, and even if not, the important thing is that I [HAVE ONCE AGAIN USED DEHUMANIZING LANGUAGE / WILL CLAIM VICTORY ANYWAY LIKE I DID LAST TIME / AM ONE OF THE MOST LYING, GRIFTING, CORRUPT HUMANS TO HAVE EVER WALKED THIS EARTH].
Did you know that Kamala Harris and Tim Walz also stole FEMA money to bring more illegals into the country so that they’d get their votes? That lie is just another reason you should fear immigrants, apart from the fact that [THEY’RE NOT WHITE / I’M FALSELY CLAIMING THEY’RE BUILDING AN ARMY TO SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF YOU / ONE OF THEM IS STILL MARRIED TO ME].
Don’t listen to the haters who say there’s no evidence of massive voter fraud — they’re the ones who are lying! You want proof? I have zero, but my claims are supported by some of our most illustrious citizens, such as [MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE / MATT GAETZ / RUDY GIULIANI AGAIN / MY PILLOW GUY MIKE LINDELL / ALEX JONES PROBABLY / HULK HOGAN]. In fact, even as I shout voter fraud again, highly respected businessman Elon Musk is probably quote-tweeting my claims right now with an added [“HMM” / “WOW” / RAISED EYEBROW EMOJI] just after he [SUGGESTED SOMEONE ASSASSINATE JOE BIDEN OR KAMALA HARRIS / PROMOTED SOME NUT TALKING ABOUT THE GREAT REPLACEMENT THEORY / WONDERED ALOUD IF “WOMEN IN ACADEMIA CAUSED WOKENESS” / HAD A BATSHIT CRAZY INTERACTION WITH (JORDAN PETERSON / CHARLIE KIRK / CATTURD)].
It is truly unthinkable that someone like Kamala Harris can win the presidency by [BEING A BETTER CANDIDATE / WINNING THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE / HAVING WISELY SELECTED A RUNNING MATE WHO DOESN’T GIVE SIDESHOW BOB LEVELS OF CREEPINESS]. And what makes it even worse is that this whole thing is the work of an Illuminati plot led by [ANTHONY FAUCI / GEORGE SOROS/ BILL GATES / NANCY PELOSI / OPRAH AND GAYLE].
Well, I guess it’s time to plan another [HISSY FIT / LAUNCH OF A BUSINESS THAT WILL LIKELY GO BANKRUPT / INSURRECTION]. Remember, don’t believe anything that you [SEE / HEAR / KNOW TO BE TRUE]. As my supporters understand, my words are the only possible truth, and what my lips are saying now is [CLICK HERE TO GIVE ME MORE MONEY / PLEASE CALL ME BACK, VLAD / #TRUMPMAGA2028].