This Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter “Fan”), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids Crowds, Noise, and Congregated Delight (“Non-fan”), as a condition of Non-Fan’s attendance at a Live Musical Event (“Event”).

RECITALS1:

WHEREAS, Fan is (select one):

  • A middle-aged person who, in their impending dotage, wishes to recapture the merest spark of their misspent youth;
  • An underage minor who resents Non-fan’s existence in the extreme, but who has neither the financial nor vehicular means to attend Event unaccompanied;
  • A small child who saw an ill-timed commercial for a live performance by puppets, princesses, and/or a shrill-voiced, brightly-dressed performer who is, inexplicably, a grown-ass man.

WHEREAS, Event is (select one):

  • An outdoor, multi-day festival in mid-July, featuring both oppressive heat and torrential downpours, plus warm beer, sold-out concession stands, and overflowing porta-johns with helicopter-sized mosquitos;
  • An indoor, ear-splitting spectacle in a hockey arena, featuring merch tables charging $12 for a pencil, synchronized shrieking of the word “WOOOOO,” and out-of-order restrooms;
  • An indoor, ear-splitting spectacle in a hockey arena, featuring merch tables charging $38 for a onesie, unsynchronized shrieking of indecipherable words, and restrooms we absolutely won’t get to in time

THEREFORE, the Parties agree as follows:

Fan will:

  • Aid and abet Non-fan in smuggling a sufficient quantity of snacks to avoid exorbitant prices, items served “on a stick,” and food poisoning
  • Provide Non-fan with earplugs or, at Non-fan’s sole discretion, approach Event staff to inquire whether Event performer can “maybe take it down a notch”
  • Supply climate-adjusting equipment at Non-fan’s thermostatic whims, including but not limited to blanket(s), cardigan(s), fuzzy socks, personal electric fan, water mister, and/or hand fan (fanning to be performed by Fan at Non-fan’s requested speed)
  • Strictly avoid any and all efforts to recruit Non-fan for any sing-alongs, spontaneous displays of joyful dancing, or admissions of “how amazing it is to be here in person”

Non-fan will:

  • Nod occasionally to denote that, yep, that’s definitely noise coming from that stage
  • Grudgingly appear in one (1) selfie in proximity to a commemorative location of Fan’s choice, subject to Non-fan’s prohibition of props, peace-sign fingers, or silly poses
  • Avoid use of the term “highway robbery” until Event is complete

OPTIONAL RIDER for Events commencing after, or continuing beyond, 8:00 p.m. local time:

Fan acknowledges that Event is scheduled within and/or after Non-fan’s customary bedtime. As such, Fan agrees that Non-fan may yawn, stretch, roll eyes, sigh loudly, and ask, “When’s this thing wrapping up, again?” no less frequently than once every twenty (20) minutes, with intervals decreasing by five (5) minutes for every half-hour past Non-fan’s usual pajama time.

TERM OF AGREEMENT:

This Agreement shall commence upon the Parties’ departure for Event and shall conclude whenever Non-fan has “had it, absolutely HAD IT, what was I THINKING.”

This Agreement shall immediately terminate, at Non-fan’s sole option, upon the occurrence of any condition listed below:

  • Commencement of any “audience participation” component
  • Any grabbing of Non-fan in an attempt to increase Non-fan’s appreciation of Event’s awesomeness
  • Ignition of Non-fan’s clothing or person by a lighter held aloft
  • Event seating that is uncomfortable
  • Event seating that smells like pee
  • Event seating that is nonexistent
  • Attendees who prefer to “feel the music” on their (and Non-fan’s) toes
  • A request from any attendee, during a cover of any song older than Non-fan, that Non-fan describe “what it was like” when the original song came out
  • Vomit (Fan’s, Non-fan’s, other attendee’s, performer’s, and/or that of any free-ranging purse dog brought to Event by any person)

In the event of termination due to any of the above, Fan shall submit to a lifetime of reminders that Event proved to be exactly as miserable as Non-fan had predicted.

Fan will, in addition, listen appreciatively to any and all recordings Non-fan wishes to play as proof that music is really better enjoyed in one’s own home, in pajamas, prior to a reasonable night’s sleep.

1 Use of “Recitals” herein refers only to introductory clauses; attendance at musical recitals requires the Children with Recorders Rider, plus payment of one million dollars ($1,000,000.00).