America, for the past several years we have bled in this economy together. We have lowered our cost of living by cohabitation and love affairs with men and women who we are not positive we are in love with. We have made meals at home because eating out is something that looks bad when we do not have steady income or health insurance to fix us should we contract poisoning of the food variety. We have started private consulting businesses in an effort to produce income based on our accrued skills, and our consulting has been somewhat fruitful and kept us provided for. We have loved our newfound freedom and loved working for ourselves even more…
And now, we need a job.
We are not picky. Any job will do. Any job, with exception to jobs of the outdoor manual labor variety, because we are not immigrants. We are hard-working second and/or third generation Americans and we prefer to work indoors. So, any job will do, provided it takes place at an indoor location where nothing is being produced with large mechanical machines. Also, we will need a desk to sit at and a chair that is stylish and reasonably comfortable. We will need a title for our position, something that tells those who do not work directly with us that we are in some way important or at least marginally more important than those not working directly with us.
We will need cards to give to people that we do not know, with our work contact information and perhaps, more importantly, our new work title listed in bold elegant fashion. Don’t get us wrong, we are not ungrateful and we have genuinely enjoyed the fruits of the unemployment labor administration…
And now, we need a job.
We will happily work in any industry. Provided the industry is one that was touched upon in our liberal arts collegiate education. We will work for any salary, provided the salary offered is enough to make us feel valued for a twelve month period, after which point we will more than likely forget that we needed a job twelve months prior and demand more money. We do not mind being asked to learn new skills, provided the proposed new skill is not one of a technical nature, because technology is fluid and whatever skills we learn today will more than likely be obsolete by the time we lose the job we procured twelve months prior after we demand more money, are refused, and vacate our position to explore “other opportunities.”
In short, we are open to anything and are eager to work hard. We are grateful for everything you have done for us thus far. We understand that we live in the greatest country in the world and we respect the time it’s taken for our country to reset itself…
And now, we need a job.
Attachment: resume.doc.