Dear Mr. President,
I am an entrepreneur, a God-fearing man, a once-and-future juggler, a fisher of fish, an unpublished poet, a mover and shaker in the Beanie Babies market during the heady ‘90s boom years, a man of letters, possibly a father, a very selfish lover and a human being.
But above all, I am an American.
And as an American, there is one question I must ask you. Did you know that in my neck of the woods we can’t buy fully-automatic rifles? It is even against the law to buy some semi- automatic rifles. So I’m stuck using either the old AR-15 M16-style rifle or variations of the AK-47 rifle when there is a NEW piston-driven semi-automatic rifle we aren’t “allowed” to purchase!
Hello? Am I living in a Lewis Carroll novel or America?
This is but one of many grievances I have with the current state of this once great country. Another is Delaware. In closing, I wanted to let you know I find your government illegitimate and you personally distasteful.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
Dear Congresswoman,
I voted for you hoping that you’d bring government to a sudden and embarrassing halt that would shake the foundations of society to its very core. And I thank you for that. However, I now find myself concerned that McDonald’s is required by law to post how many calories are in my Big Mac on its menu.
Please do whatever is in your power to lighten this beloved institution of this unnecessary burden. It deserves better. And so does America.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
P.S. Do you ever wake up and wonder if you’re living in a George Orwell novel instead of America? Me too.
Dear State Senators,
It’s been four months now since you were elected, and as far I can tell you’ve done nothing to relax any of the laws currently putting a pillow over my personal freedoms and suffocating them in the dead of night like they were someone’s unwanted grandmother.
I am referring, of course, to state and local statutes limiting what one can and cannot bury in one’s own backyard including bans on such items as motor oil, industrial chemicals, used tires, freezers, the remains of loved ones and raw sewage—restrictions on all of which have affected me personally.
I am a conscientious objector to many of the services squirted out by the government teat here in Licking—one of them being curbside trash pickup.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
Dear City Councilmen John, Big Frank and Cecil:
If you recall my widely circulated letter to the editor of The Licking Post entitled “If I Wanted Government’s Input on My Land I’d Kill a Politician and Bury Him There” then you know where I stand on the issue of zoning. I’m against it.
So it should come as no surprise that I am ignoring your request to shut down the gas station I opened for business on my front lawn. Might I recommend you spend more time considering my proposal to lower local taxes by converting more public parks into amateur cage-fighting arenas and private team-building obstacle courses for corporate retreats instead of stifling the spontaneous dynamism of the free market.
In closing, I think all three of you are morally bankrupt bureaucrats out to ruin the great town of Licking, and I hope the 1,400 residents of this freedom-loving community vote you out on your asses this April.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
P.S. John, we still on for that fishing trip next weekend?
Dear State Senators,
Found all the birds on my property dead today. Please disregard my last letter regarding burial laws. Will begin clean-up immediately.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
P.S. Citizens being responsible enough to take care of their own problems—imagine that!
Dear School Board,
I’m writing to let you know that I will not be paying my property taxes this year. I am opening a project-based charter school in my backyard that will teach the three R’s through hands-on soil remediation. Money that for years has been stolen by you will now fund this exciting new educational venture that is free of your meddling oversight and the influence of your sanitized indoctrination centers.
If that displeases you, I’m sorry, but this is America and not the 1994 Newberry Medal-winning young adult novel “The Giver”.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
P.S. If you would kindly provide me with a list of students who have demonstrated healthy immune systems and strong backs, I will see to it you receive a free value meal at my new Mickey D’s burger counter, opening next week inside the gas station located on my front lawn.
Dear McDonald’s Corporation,
As a long-time fan of your products, I must say I was taken aback by your cease-and-desist letter. I fail to see how the Big Mack burgers sold at my Mickey D’s burger counter infringe on your trademark.
It’s clear to me that you corporate bigwigs are nervous Mickey D’s is becoming a real lunch destination for the workers of Licking’s animal byproduct district. Workers with whom, you’ll be crestfallen to note, I recently negotiated a sweetheart deal to keep us stocked in fresh, quality ingredients. Now customers will see Mickey D’s famous golden half-circles and know a mouth-watering offal patty is only moments away from partial digestion.
From one capitalist to another, I find it disappointing you’ve resorted to using the government to strong-arm my business. Yesterday my young employees reported for work after an intellectually rigorous morning spent one step ahead of the EPA goons who want to shut down their beloved high school in my backyard, and they discovered they may be out of a job just because the big dogs can’t stand a little competition.
Is it any wonder we’re losing America’s youth? I guess it’s a Clockwork Orange world now, and I’m just living in it. Nothing to do but go inside and wait to be beaten to death with an oversized dildo by a teenager who wanted nothing more in life than to work 14-hours a day for $3.75 an hour.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
Dear Department of Health Services,
I don’t know where you heard the allegations that I’m serving black-market meat products at the burger counter in my front-lawn gas station, but it is none of your business. Last time I checked this was the U.S.A. and not an episode of “Super Nanny State”.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
Dear Neighbor,
I don’t want to make this awkward, but I saw you gassing up at the Kwik Stop yesterday. Keep in mind that while you may save $8 a gallon by going with my competitor, the relatively small amount you pocket is killing my business.
I know you’ve seen the work going on behind my house: the kids in yellow suits, the noxious stink, the giant “Tremors”-esque worm creatures that live in the toxic goop. So next time you fill up your tank and buy one of your fancy whole-meat burgers at other dining establishments in town I want you to think about how easily your yard could be appropriated for a landfill through a little process I call imminent dumping.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman
Dear God,
Well, I’ve really kicked up the proverbial hornet’s nest this time. My business is falling apart, I’m the enemy of enough government agencies to fill a bowl of alphabet soup and on top of it all my body is failing me. Turns out a diet of intestinal sandwich paste and animal cartilage can lead to a debilitating case of gout, among other afflictions of which I’m sure you’re aware.
I don’t want to be a complainer here, pal, but I blame you for most of this. I used to think with a little land, some breathing room and enough guns I could carve out my own piece of paradise on this earth. Now I see the system is rigged from the top down, and I mean the very top!
You obviously fear my potential. That is why you ensured I was born into a family of traveling carnies with a genetic predisposition to high blood pressure and wattles. Well, consider this butt burner a warning—I’m gunning for you! I see now I cannot truly be free until all your overbearing laws governing the very fabric of reality are torn to pieces.
This will probably require enriched uranium or a doomsday device of some kind and that will likely require air, and possibly time, travel. Though I did vow never to fly again after that confusing pat-down fiasco, which reminds me. I need to write TSA a letter.
Sincerely,
Michael P. Dodderman