Art Gliner, sixty-five, is the namesake of the University of Maryland’s Art Gliner Center for Humor Studies. He is also a classical music deejay on WGMS, in Washington, D.C., where he can sometimes be heard to announce, “This is Art Gliner, your intro-doo-suh for this work by John Phillip Sousa.” Gliner says he’s been silly since he was ten-years-old. I recently asked him to provide punch lines to the following Borscht-belt standbys.
1.
Q: What do old people smell like?
A: They smell like fresh fragrance.
2.
Q: What do you get when you cross the KKK with The Moody Blues?
A: You get funny people in white sheets that are hip.
3.
Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Not enough toes.
4.
Q: How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
A: You hold him down until he smiles.
5.
Q: What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong took one giant leap and Michael Jackson takes other kinds of giant leaps.
6.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You speak real nice to the priest.
7.
Q: Why did the hillbilly marry a moonshiner’s daughter?
A: Well, just because he was a champion man dealing with liquor.
[Note: Gliner’s answer comes close to the actual punch line, which is, “Because she makes him liquor every night.”]
8.
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his wife?
A: He went on a diet.
9.
Q: What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: That one’s sorta got me.
10.
Q: What is Mike Tyson’s favorite Shakespeare quote?
A: Out, out damn spot.