“TikTok is still three days away from a likely ban in the United States, but many users are already bidding the app farewell and seeking out alternatives.” — CNN
Everything in the United States was fine until TikTok came along. Before 2016, our country had practically zero problems. But in 2018, TikTok became the most downloaded app in the United States, and that’s when all the problems really began.
Sure, TikTok has some real problems, like the Chinese government accessing millions of Americans’ data. But who are we kidding? Our government already does that. We’re mostly just jealous that they thought of it before we did. No, the real problem with TikTok, and the real reason we have no choice but to ban the app entirely, is that it’s bringing Americans together.
It’s no secret that we live in divisive times. Friendships end over politics, and families stop talking to each other because one sibling becomes a full-blown QAnon conspiracy theorist. People are protesting in the streets, Los Angeles is on fire, and we have to deal with another four years of Stephen Miller looking like he just ate a baby.
Nothing makes sense anymore, and no one can seem to agree on anything. We can’t even agree on objective facts anymore. People on Facebook comment “Wishing them a long and happy life together” on an AI-generated photo of Kim Jong Un making out with Katy Perry. Others are falling in love with ChatGPT boyfriends. Elon Musk is about to be running the government. It’s surprising we don’t seem more concerned about that, isn’t it?
But a few times a day, we log onto TikTok and forget the things that divide us. Instead of arguing constantly, Americans come together over TikTok’s steam cleaners, which are definitely not as effective when they show up at your door. We visit the wonderful world of Floptropica, where life feels a little easier. We listen to the same audio eighty-seven times and watch all forty-something clips of “Who TF Did I Marry?” We look for a finance man, and we eat girl dinner.
There are a million and one more ways TikTok brings us together, which is why it must be banned immediately and completely.
We need Americans to stay divided. We can’t have them find their community, organize around common causes, or realize that they might not be so alone in something they’ve been struggling with. People can get on an app and find like-minded folks in under ten seconds. How are we supposed to control them if they know they aren’t alone?
No, we have to come together as a government and remove the one thing that brings this nation joy. That’s the only way they won’t realize that things could be better.
See you on Red Note. This isn’t goodbye, it’s ni hao.