An unabridged guide to every stepdad that has ever been or will be standing ominously at the sidelines of your soccer game. From A to Z (Alan – Zebediah), whoever your mom brings home next, you’ll be prepared. Ain’t that right, buddy? Now run along while I take your mother to Palm Springs.
Alan: Smokes three packs a day. Shits with the door open. Tells you constantly he never wanted kids.
Bill: Washes his feet in the sink and drinks all of your chocolate milk. When you complain, your mom says, “He’s also a growing boy.”
Carl: Loves Family Feud. Wears horizontal stripes. “Accidentally” runs over the family cat with his 2004 Toyota Corolla.
David: A hot shot in the community theater circuit. Serenades your mother in public places. Forgets you on family vacations.
Eric: Shrink by day, youth preacher by night. Kisses you and your mother on the head before bed.
Frank: Walks around in his boxers. Smells like gasoline. He’ll promise to take you to Raging Waters but he never, ever will.
Giovanni: Plays the lute and gives your friends free weed. Openly talks about pleasuring your mother at the dinner table.
Harold: Before he proposes to your mom, he’ll propose to you. With a flash mob. He gives you a ring. He cries. It’s weird.
Ira: Calls you “champ” and “sport” and “little man,” mostly because he keeps forgetting your name.
Jeremiah: Offers to coach your middle school basketball team… so he can try to convert all your friends to Scientology.
Kris: Asks you to lock him up in chains and seal him in a water tank. He escapes every time. But you’ll never escape a life on the road with your new papa.
Leon: Replaces all the light bulbs in your house with smaller light bulbs. Runs for PTA treasurer and wins — by a landslide. Replaces all the light bulbs in your school with smaller light bulbs.
Mandy: Manages a Forever 21. Doesn’t manage to make it to your graduation.
Nico: Only speaks in Sopranos quotes.
Oscar: Only speaks in folksy riddles.
Patrick: Sleeps at the foot of your mother’s bed. Afraid of your friends.
Quincy: Probably gay. Definitely running a cult out of your basement.
Ronaldo: Took your mother to Ibiza. You haven’t seen her in 23 days.
Saul: Spends the entirety of your college fund on a rare breed of snake. The snake kills him three weeks later. Your mother reads his will and weeps — he left everything to the snake.
Travis: Dogs don’t trust him, but your mom does. He moves you into his condo in Miami. Kids at school start to call you “The Man.” Life is looking up… until he gets arrested for dog fighting. You’re not surprised. It was all too good to be true. You move back to Seattle. The kids call you “Dump Truck.” You never truly trust again.
Ulysses: A plumber moonlighting as an erotic dancer. You’re not a fan of his artistry, but you respect his resolve. Maybe a little too much. You give it a try for the summer. You’re not bad. He gives your lessons. He works you to the bone. But it’s too tough. You don’t have what it takes, and you never will. You retire. You stand backstage watching him perform from the wings. You cry a single tear. He dazzles.
Vick: Calls weed “devil juice” and decorates your house entirely in beige. Are you in your living room — or an endless prison of tan upholstery? You slowly but surely lose your mind. You lose your in-state lacrosse scholarship. You fall on hard times. You open a puppet shop. The shop’s walls are blue. You paint them over with beige.
Walter: Takes your mother on long weekends to the Catskills. Leaves you nothing but a bowl of water and an acoustic guitar. You survive off the music. It launches your career. You buy 9 islands, 10 NFL teams, and 22 wives. But nothing — not even the music — is enough to make up for the fact that Walter still forgets your birthday. Every. Single. Year.
Xavier: Professional skee ball player. He tries to get you into the sport. You don’t care much for it — you have weak shoulder blades — but he’s making an effort to bond, so you try. He lets you join the team, monograms your cap, even pays Sherri the local arcade urchin to take you to prom — she’s 47, but she still has all her teeth, so you’re thrilled. It’s the championship match. All eyes on you. You just need a 20 to win it all… and… you gutter it. You gutter the goddamn final ball. Xavier can’t handle the shame. He packs up, leaves town. You and Sherri will have 14 beautiful babies together. You’ll name them all Xavier. Each and every one will become a skee-ball legend.
Yael: A conceptual cum artist your mother picked up in the back of an abandoned Albertsons. He’ll teach you about manhood — laminating meat, dancing with street cats, shitting into manila envelopes. You develop strong feelings for him… maybe too strong. You beg him to run away with you, but he refuses. He loves your mother’s cooking too damn much. You’re enraged. Something comes over you. You poison the tuna casserole. You poison the mashed potatoes. You poison the lemonade. You poison the strawberry lemonade. But… Yael is running late. Traffic on the I-5. Your mother is starving. She says she can’t wait any longer. You lunge across the table and knock the fork full of tuna out of her mouth — but it’s too late. She’s already downed her lemonade. And her strawberry lemonade. She dies in your arms. You cry. But not for long, because Yael is knocking on the door. And he’s back on the market!
Zebediah: The second coming of Christ himself. The perfect father, the perfect man. He takes you to Clippers games. He picks the mushrooms off your pizza. He gives you “the talk,” but in a cool way. He walks on water to impress your friends. But at the end of the day, as much as you love and worship him, it doesn’t matter… he’s not your real dad — and he NEVER WILL BE!!!!