1. Clifford the Big Red Dog
by Norman Bridwell

According to a reliable source,1 Norman Bridwell, a close personal friend of Karl Marx and adviser to Pol Pot, was a card-carrying member of the American Communist Party. The metaphor is obvious: a big red canine teaches children the importance of sharing and working together. (While cleverly ignoring the consequences of such un-American behavior.)

Stories include “Clifford Goes to School” and “Clifford Goes to Work, Where He Organizes a Workers’ Revolution.” Noticeably absent from the collection of short stories are those resulting from the success of the red menace’s machinations, such as “Clifford Institutes a Five-Year Plan” or “Clifford Murders Political Dissidents.”

1 Former Senator Joseph McCarthy

2. A Christmas Carol
by Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens, in frequent correspondence with both Michael Moore and Ivan the Terrible, wrote this book with the sole purpose of undermining the capitalist spirit of Christmas. Dickens portrays the patriotic and enterprising Ebenezer Scrooge as a wicked man in need of reform. He further advances the liberal agenda by advocating free health care for Tiny Tim and suggesting that poverty is the result of something other than laziness and stupidity.

Not only does Dickens ignore the Christian element of Christmas, he glorifies such pagan practices as communicating with the dead and looking into the future. Also, it is highly probable that, while writing A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens planned and executed the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

3. Goodnight Moon
by Margaret Wise Brown

Though the writing is vapid and immature, the book manages to challenge both traditional gender roles and the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. Additionally, lines like “Goodnight cow jumping over the moon” make it clear that Brown, business partner of Susan B. Anthony and confidant of Saddam Hussein, does not support our troops.

It should also be noted that Brown, a known feminist, has a history of subversive behavior. Before her death, Rosa Parks admitted that part of the reason she sat at the front of the bus was that “Margaret was egging me on.”

4. A Wrinkle in Time
by Madeleine L’Engle

In between orchestrating the French Revolution with Robespierre and badmouthing President Bush with the Dixie Chicks, French author Madeleine L’Engle wrote A Wrinkle in Time, which centers on a fatherless and troublesome 13-year-old girl, Meg Murry. Obviously, L’Engle is implying that single mothers need welfare to properly raise their children. Meg’s mother, a beautiful scientist, represents one of the approximately 24 billion welfare recipients in America, who purposely have as many illegitimate children as possible, so they can sit at home collecting welfare and watching Oprah, eating chocolate bars and being pregnant.

L’Engle also invaded Poland in 1939.

5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
by Mark Twain

A limousine liberal if there ever was one, Huck Finn flouts society’s laws and refuses to return stolen property because, after finding a robber’s large stash of gold in a cave, he no longer identifies with hardworking middle-class Americans who need their slaves to get by.

Mark Twain, godfather of Joseph Stalin and best man at the wedding of Pontius Pilate, suggests that sometimes it is morally correct to break the law. OK, Mr. Twain. So after we don’t return runaway slaves, what’s next? Strike for eight-hour workdays and a minimum wage? Burn draft cards?

It should also be noted that Twain, who invented cancer and hates puppies, is not even using his real name. Samuel Clemens, wherever you’re hiding, if you have any integrity, you will appear on my show and defend your irrational and unpatriotic beliefs.