Independents once lived only in prairies and deserts in the United States. Today, they thrive almost anywhere there are ranches, farms, or ultimate Frisbee courses. Sometimes, they even live among people. It may seem charming when you spot one sitting on the fence, but don’t forget that Independents can siphon off your electoral resources, without which you could get run-offs, ultimately leading to devastating soul erosion.
Although their territory now extends all the way from Rhode Island to Burning Man, Independents tend to be elusive. You might catch a glimpse of one lurking around the shadowy edges of a party, but almost nothing entices them, making them difficult to capture. They don’t like big movements. However, experts say it’s crucial to try—in the least invasive way possible—to register them, no matter how much they prefer not to be put in a box. The preservation of their homeland just may depend on it.
Even in plain sight, Independents are difficult to identify because of their many varieties, including centrist, undecided, third-party, double-hater, moderate, inconsistent, swing, open-carry, Green, crypto, libertarian, weak partisan, tiny-house, and UFC. Independents are usually depicted with a reddish tinge. However, in the northeastern region, Independents share DNA with New Hampshire Blue Dogs and bright indigo specimens from the left side of Vermont.
In myths, Independents are portrayed as classic tricksters who secretly aim to upend the natural order. However, their actions aren’t premeditated in this way, and they don’t operate in organized packs. Independents simply tend to have greater power and resources than their more vulnerable neighbors. So, even as the landscapes around them rapidly change, they are not compelled to compromise their positions. They can afford to lean into a future that almost certainly involves living in a storm drain. Still, it is totally natural to feel concerned about the world you share with them.
Although reluctant to reveal themselves, Independents are perhaps the most vocal of all North American mammals. They are best known for the iconic howling of a solitary figure in tawny cargo pants. Socially, however, among their loosely knit networks of unrelated individuals, they’re also known to huff, yip, and emit high-frequency whines. They might be sounding off to one another about anything from local migrants to local meats to sports betting.
Observers often wonder, What will bring them out? What do they want? As omnivores, Independents will consume anything from Fox to MSNBC to Joe Rogan to Riverdale. Take note that if they acquire a taste for garbage, they could be motivated to cross into dangerous territory, ignoring guard rails designed to keep everyone safe. They could even end up in a real dumpster fire.
There are more male than female Independents, and the adult males, often called Ron, can be identified by their flannel or business casual. However, Independents also skew younger now than ever before. This large population of juveniles can be found in their parents’ dens. They spend their time practicing self-care routines that involve learning to mark with CBD oil, play-fighting with their peers on Twitch, and journaling. They sometimes venture short distances to forage for Wi-Fi. If you happen to spot one hanging around near an EDM festival, rest assured there’s a parent nearby, most likely waiting in the car. Researchers believe these Independent offspring—commonly known as “nephews”—have proliferated because of climate change. However, there’s concern that due to limited experience, they do not always make the crucial distinction between toxic environments and ones that are just ho-hum.
For the most part, Independents are in more danger of being attacked than causing a disturbance, especially when they’re at large family gatherings or posting long screeds on Facebook. Usually, they just want to be left alone to go about their day trading. Always remember that close encounters may lead to contact with their beliefs about diseases, especially if you accidentally admit you are vaccinated. That’s when you can resort to waving your arms or using an air horn. Whatever you do, don’t run, especially not for election to the local school board.