In light of the recent protests happening all across the country, some of which have resulted in riots, vandalism, and looting, we would like to remind all Black Americans that any forms of violent protest are unacceptable in this country, and that any property damage, theft, or injury resulting from these violent protests will be swiftly and severely punished. The death of one Black man is no excuse for this utterly disgraceful behavior. Black Americans should know better than to engage in the kind of mob violence strictly reserved for Super Bowl victory celebrations and spring break on Panama City Beach.
Now, it’s also important to note that, given our aversion to violent Black protests, you might be tempted to think that we would be in favor of non-violent forms of Black protest, but that’s not exactly the case either. The problem with non-violent Black protests, like kneeling during the National Anthem, is that they’re disrespectful to the American flag. And we all know the American flag is sacred and should only be utilized in respectful ways, like printing it on bikini tops, turning it into a poncho for Kid Rock, or using it to advertise the Carl’s Jr. Thickburger.
In fact, there is only one acceptable way that you, as Black Americans, can express your outrage at the centuries of cruelty and exploitation perpetrated upon you by this nation, and that is to stand in this federally designated strip of grassland in rural Nebraska and shout your frustrations at the top of your lungs into the howling prairie winds.
The Nebraska Expression of Genuine Racial Outrage Exclusivity Zone, or NEGROEZ, is a ten-foot by twenty-foot parcel of land off of State Highway 61 between Merriman, NE, and Hyannis, NE. The United States government has earmarked this area for the specific purpose of giving Black Americans a place where they can demonstrate their anger at the injustice they experience every day in America in an appropriate manner. At the NEGROEZ, and only at the NEGROEZ, Black Americans are allowed to express their rage in any way they see fit, provided it involves some form of primal screaming that nobody else can hear.
NEGROEZ was created by President Harding in 1921 shortly after the Greenwood Massacre in Tulsa, when a white mob destroyed 35 square blocks of what was, at the time, the wealthiest Black community in the United States, because a Black man had just been falsely accused of assaulting a white woman in a nearby neighborhood. Fearing retaliatory attacks (which never materialized) President Harding did what any president would do and carved out a tiny little strip of prairie for the specific purpose of giving Black Americans their own special place where they could grieve, express their anger, and heal and that, coincidentally, would also be far enough away from civilization that nobody else would witness their anger and be tempted to do something to help.
That being said, there are still a few ground rules that must be observed when visiting NEGROEZ. These include:
- No smoking
- No congregating in groups of five or more
- No cell phone use (the reception is terrible anyway)
- No music
- No children
- No camping
- No loudspeakers
- No drinking (including water)
- No sudden movements
- No conversation (other than screaming into the void)
- No flash photography
- Portable electronics must remain in airplane mode during the duration on your visit
Also note that the hours for NEGROEZ are between 11 AM – 1 PM on the first Tuesday of February, with the exception of leap years when the park does not open at all. Anyone visiting NEGROEZ during any other time will be subject to a fine of up to $300.
Similarly, anyone found protesting just outside of the designated NEGROEZ will also be subject to a fine and possible imprisonment. This is an especially common occurrence since the combination of over 60 inches of annual snowfall and the fast growth rate of grasses native to the Great Plains such as Big Bluestem and Switchgrass means that any markers put in place tend to get obscured pretty quickly. However, the approximate location of NEGROEZ is provided here for reference:
We hope you’ve found this reminder to be useful, and that, moving forward, you will limit any and all forms of Black protest, be they violent or non-violent, to this little patch of land in the Cornhusker State that’s been specifically set aside for that purpose. Thank you for your cooperation, and remember: we feel your pain, Black America. We just don’t want to hear it, see it, or have to deal with it in any way. So enjoy yelling into those prairie winds!