[Part I, Part II, Part III., Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, and Part XI.]
Part XII: In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about the Time When Thor
Got His Ass Kicked by an Old Lady.
So now Thor’s fuckin’ hammah’d outtah his fuckin’ mind n’ Loki’s gottah keep him from pissin’ allovah the middle’ah the flo’hr since he keeps tryin’ unzip his fly n’ whip out his cawk when this cat wandahs intah the room n’ Thor just kindah makes this creepy noise like he’s all suhprised n’ then goes real quiet, which is good since it was ‘bout tah tuhrn intah some sohrt freaked out god-on-god brawl with a dick hangin’ out n’ a bunch’ah fuckin’ giants watchin’ fah spohrt.
So turhns out this stupid fuckin’ cat is the next contest that that Utgarda-Loki bastahd wants Thor tah, yah know, tah pahtake in. Like in the sense he wants Thor tah pick the cat up off of the ground.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it’s real fuckin’ retahded. I mean, I don’t know why giants go ‘round pickin’ cats up off the ground like it’s a cool thing tah do but they’re a bunchah fuckin’ idiots so who fuckin’ cahrs?
N’ yah know, Thor he’s been all like, completely fuckin’ enammah’d with this fuckin’ cat evah since it walked intah the room n’ so he’s just starin’ at it all slack-jawed like a fuckin’ retahd. N’ so when he heahrs this he stops fumblin’ with his fly n’ he stumbles on ovah tah where the cat’s standin’ n’ Loki’s just like, “Oh thank God” even though he himself believes in Odin n’ wants him tah die n’ is eventually gonnah bring about the destruction of the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse ah whatevah. ‘Cause that’s what’s comin’. Like not right away, but yah know in the Viking fue’tyah that’s what happens but right now it’s… shit… we haven’t got our next pitchah yet. Where’s Chelsea? Yah see her?
Yeah—oh, yeah, yeah, I see her now—
CHELSEA! HEY—CHELLLSSSEEEE!!!
… Okay yeah she sees us. She’s a good girl. Takin’ classes ovah at MassAht, graphic design ah somethin’ I think. Boy it got busy in here though.
… Huh? Oh yeah, uh, Thor n’ the cat, right?
Okay, yeah, so Thor goes n’ tries tah pick that cat up but he can’t fuckin’ do it. It’s like it’s fuckin’ glued tah the ground with industrial grade glue ah somethin’ n’ on top’ah that it’s back bends n’ stretches like a fuckin’ slinky. Yah’d have bettah luck walkin’ ovah tah Chahlestown n’ tryin’ tah knock the monyuhment ovah with yah bahre hands.
If I remembah right though he does manage tah get one’ah its paws off the ground befohr givin’ up n’ cryin’ like a little bitch. I mean, he is, like, completely, fuckin’ wasted aftah all n’ so it’s not like his cuh-ahdination is quite up tah his nahmal standahds.
But those jehrkoff giants, they think this is fuckin’ hilahrious n’ so they’re all laughin’ their asses off n’ now Thor’s famous tempah’s stahtin’ tah flahr’ up n’ so he stops his cryin’ n’ throws down his gloves n’ grabs the jehsey’ah the closest giant n’ is ‘bout to suckah punch him in the fuckin’ face when Utgarda-Loki blows his whistle n’ steps inbetween the two goons befohr it can get outtah control.
N’ so now he’s like, “Thor, if yah wannah fight, we got a fuckin’ fightah fah yah,” n’ then in walks this wicked old lady. Like I’m talkin’ pushin’ 100 here, this lady looks like she’ll break her whole fuckin’ body with one misplaced movement of her walkah.
So Thor’s like, “You fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” But he’s not above hittin’ women so he walks ovah tah clock her like a watch in Waltham when next thing he knows he’s seein’ lights n’ buckled ovahr on bended knee with this demon whore cacklin’ ovah him like a goddamned duhranged clown outtah some Stephen King novel.
Now at this point, Utgarda-Loki decides tah put an end tah the whole fuckin’ business n’ invites Thor n’ Loki n’ the two child sehrvants tah stay fah suppah n’ they all prahceed tah have a decent time that night, which is real fuckin’ pehculiah since they’re hangin’ out with a bunch’ah fuckin’ giants yah know.
So next mohrnin’ they all get up tah have some breakfast befohr Thor n’ Loki’ n’ the kids all take off n’ Utgarda-Loki goes up tah ‘em n’ asks ‘em how they liked their stay. N’ ah’couhrse, Thor’s got a majah fuckin’ hangovah n’ feels like shit n’ is carryin’ a grudge ‘bout the whole bein’ made an ass of in front of all those giants thing when Utgarda-Loki explains that was all just a big fuckin’ illusion! Like the bee’ah hohrn was the ocean n’ the cat was the wohrld sehrpunt n’ the old lady was time herself!
HAHA!!! Did yah see that comin’?! I BET YOU DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!!!
That’s like one’ah my most favuhrite pahts’ah the whole stahry. No one evah sees it comin’!
N’ yes! Here comes our pitchah! YES!!! THANK YOU CHELSEA!!!
Chelsea you’re a life savah!
Yeah, sahhry, we’ll keep it down. My buddy here though, he can’t help himself. He’s a big talkah, real fuckin’ loud, just can’t help himself. But hey, how yah classes goin’? They goin’ good?
Yeah… yah leahrnin’ ‘bout colah co-ahdination n’ like page layout n’ stuff? How yah likin’ that new Adobe cloud?
Yeah, nah, my cousin wohrks fahr ‘em ovahr in their Newton office.
That’s great… that’s great. Yeah you get back tah the othah customahs. Yeah. We’ll be right here. We’re not goin’ anywhere. We got two mohr pehriods tah get through tahnight.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, second’s ‘bout staht!
COME ON Bs!!!