"Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent gave representatives of the so-called Department of Government Efficiency access to the federal payment system late on Friday, according to five people familiar with the change, handing Elon Musk and the team he is leading a powerful tool to monitor and potentially limit government spending. — New York Times
A lot of people doubted that my Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) could do what it set out to do. But I am proud to say that in just weeks, we have used the Tesla, SpaceX, and X playbook to make America’s collapse much more efficient.
It’s been obvious for years that the US system was declining with great waste and sluggishness. For example, did you know that before DOGE came along, government spending was influenced by an ad hoc network of billionaires behind campaign contributions, dark money groups, and shadowy think tanks? It’s far more efficient to reduce redundancy by placing the entire US Treasury under the centralized control of just one billionaire private citizen (me).
Or consider the waste and bloat in how the US government used to give away taxpayer dollars via an overcomplicated system of lobbying, tax breaks, and bloated contracts. This will become much more optimized once I force the entire US population to pay a 5 percent transaction fee to conduct Social Security transactions on X, The Everything Website (20 percent if they have pronouns in their bio).
Plus, now I can Control+F SpaceX competitors, put them into bankruptcy with one click, and seamlessly Alt+Tab back to Diablo IV.
We are also hustling to streamline and reduce redundancy in how Americans’ privacy is violated. Experian breaches, dark web data brokers, unregulated social media, Chinese PLA hacking? Who has time for it all? Now, we can get this done in one fell swoop by putting every US citizen’s Social Security number on a public Google Sheet administered by the nineteen-year-old who programmed Grok’s sense of humor.
My record speaks for itself. I have led X, which will now be crowdsourcing air traffic control via live posts, to become incredibly efficient at serving up pornographic Adolf Eichmann memes.
The decline of America’s creditworthiness has also been a halting, stop-start process every time the debt limit approaches. But now, DOGE will get it done for good, because the teenagers tracking the US government’s credit card balance have killed countless Neuralink monkeys.
We are also working weekends to eliminate the middlemen in foreign collusion. Think of how it used to work: winking political speeches, hack-and-leak operations, pro-Kremlin NATO policies. What a cumbersome system! It is far simpler for me to snort some ketamine and DM Vladimir Putin my US Treasury login during our weekly Teams call.
America’s downfall used to be so sprawling and overcomplicated—classic, low-IQ bureaucrats. Wealth inequality, white nationalism, transphobia, authoritarianism, conspiracy theories? Sure, they’re happening, but are they happening as straightforwardly as possible? Who is coordinating it all? Now I can say confidently the answers to those questions are (1) yes and (2) @ViktorOrbanFan1488, whose other main duty is leveling up my Diablo IV character.
Americans cry out for speed and efficiency!
For too long, our authoritarianism has been “creeping.”
Our oligarchy: “quasi.”
Our Nazis: “neo.”
But now, Americans will get what they want: a stripped-down, streamlined speed run of 1920s Germany meets Ex Machina.
I promise, America will soon be the Cybertruck of countries—uglier than you could have imagined, built for rich chuds, borderline inoperable, and on fire.