When the Kool-Aid Man next hurtles through some unsuspecting homeowner’s wall, he’ll look snazzier, more up-to-date, more “lifelike”… The mascot for the drink mix brand is undergoing “a serious makeover with a brand-new modern look and distinctive voice.”
— “Oh Yeah: Kool-Aid Man Gets a Modern Makeover.” L.A. Times, April 15, 2013.
EXT. DARKENED ALLEYWAY – NIGHT
A flickering street light illuminates two thugs chasing a kid down a dead-end alleyway. With nowhere left to run, the kid backs up against the brick wall.
KID
Please, no…
Thug 1 brandishes a glass of water.
THUG 1
You gonna drink this water on your own, or do we have to get more persuasive?
KID
But it don’t got no taste!
THUG 2
Either you drink this water the easy way, or we make you drink it the hard way—as steam!
Thug 2 sets up a portable camp stove and begins boiling the water in a pot.
KID
Help me, Kool-Aid Man!
An ominous Hans Zimmer score kicks in and the brick wall behind the thugs explodes—but it isn’t that boring old Kool-Aid Man bursting through. It’s a dark red grappling hook, which lodges itself deep in Thug 2’s chest.
A crimson-cloaked, jug-shaped figure emerges from the smoking blast area—the new, grittier Kool-Aid Man.
KOOL-AID MAN
(in Christian Bale growl)
I’m about to get Jonestown on your ass.
Kool-Aid Man presses the grappling hook’s retract button, propelling him toward the captured thug with a sickening, tinkling thud. We see a close-up of Thug 2’s mangled corpse beneath Kool’s transparent belly.
KOOL-AID MAN
Looks like I’m the pitcher, he’s the catcher.
THUG 1
Kool-Aid Man! B-b-but you’re not real— you’re just a legend, a myth…
KOOL-AID MAN
Don’t believe your eyes? Then get ready for my version of the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.
Kool tears open a packet from his utility belt and blows pinkish dust at the thug. But it’s not Kool-Aid powder—it’s acid! The thug’s face starts to melt away in graphic, gritty detail.
THUG 1
My eyes! That powder is poison!
KOOL-AID MAN
Wait—that voice… Those words… You’re the petty thug who killed my parents when I was a just a little cup!
FLASHBACK.
EXT. A DIFFERENT ALLEYWAY – NIGHT
A young Kool-Aid Man—a sippy cup—is walking with his parents, a plastic water cooler jug and a 19-ounce canister of drink mix.
The thug, much younger, walks past.
YOUNG THUG
Boy, is my throat parched. (Notices the innocent Kool-Aid family) Well, well, well—look at what we have here.
He takes a small paper cup from his pocket, flips it menacingly, and approaches Kool-Aid Man’s parents.
YOUNG THUG (CONT’D)
After I drink all this refreshing water, I’ll pour this sweetened soft drink mix into the sewers before a kid stumbles across it. Look at the sugar content! That powder is poison!
The camera lingers on young Kool-Aid Man, frozen in horror, as we hear the “glug-glug-glug” of a water cooler being emptied of life.
YOUNG KOOL-AID MAN
You sick bastard.
BACK TO THE PRESENT.
THUG 1
It was so long ago! I was young and thirsty, man! I don’t even remember what I did or didn’t drink back then.
Kool-Aid Man smashes himself against the crumbling bricks—now he’s a cruel-looking broken bottle.
KOOL-AID MAN
You seem to be having trouble with your memory. Maybe this will help you… concentrate.
Kool-Aid Man sinks his jagged rim into the criminal’s torso. Dark red blood mixes with the artificially-colored water in Kool-Aid Man’s body.
After the thug’s final gritty death gurgle dies away, Kool-Aid Man turns to the kid.
KOOL-AID MAN
You okay, kid?
KID
I think I’m going to need a lot of counseling.
KOOL-AID MAN
Oh, yeah.
THE END