Can I still pay my union dues by sacrificing goats, bartering homemade macramé, or offering to house-sit while the high priestess is on vacation in Tulum?
The Topeka Coven has long accepted sacrificial gifts to our dark lord, in-kind bartering, and occasional house-sitting as payment for dues and services rendered. This will continue to be true after unionization and all suggestions made by Kathy that the coven will be moving to a hard currency-only system are false.
I’ve heard rumors from Kathy that unionizing might stifle spell-casting innovation. Will spells be standardized and/or require union approval moving forward?
No. Under union leadership, you will still be able to cast individualized spells against anyone and everyone in your orbit—from your HOA president to your mother-in-law—but now you will be eligible for exclusive discounts at Costco, Lowes, and Walmart.
What worker protections will be available to me after unionization?
Currently, US-based covens do not have a standardized approach to resolving official grievances. Union-led mediation will result in a dramatic decline in poisonings, entrapments in foreign realms, and amphibian-based transformations. This process will help us avoid scenarios similar to the public transformation of City Councilman Mayhew into a toad after he cast the deciding vote to rezone Kathy’s neighborhood as multifamily. As a reminder, Topeka Coven’s official stance is YIMBY, particularly in relation to affordable and achievable housing.
Why can’t we let free-market solutions solve the existential crisis facing our coven today? Why unionize?
Great question, Kathy. Because free-market solutions are actually holograms created by warlocks who, through conglomeration and unfair business practices, now control a majority stake in today’s witching economy. Unionization will help slow that process and return bargaining power to covens like ours.
Will unionization help dismantle the energy vortex Kathy opened during the winter solstice of 2022?
Unfortunately, no. We are working with covens in Peoria and Rapid City to see if a patch on the time-space continuum or other group action might be possible. Unionization will help formalize these ad hoc collaborations.
Why unionize with the United Auto Workers and not simply create a professional witches’ association?
The coven would like to make clear that we believe Kathy has suggested a professional association instead of a union because her warlock-husband, Carl, is currently engaged in questionable labor practices with several witches in this coven and does not want to provide fair pay, health care, vacation benefits, or overtime. Additionally, professional associations are not considered bargaining units by the National Labor Relations Board. The UAW represents workers in many sectors beyond the auto industry, including goblins and casino dealers.
Under unionization, will we have a formal way to censure Kathy for her increasingly reckless behavior, including her stunt this summer that nearly sent all of Shawnee County back to 1935?
Yes. Under unionization, Kathy can be made to pay union fines and/or receive direct restitution. The union framework also includes a formal censuring process that can result in (and let’s face it, probably will) coven expulsion. This is one of the many reasons we believe a union is the right fit for our coven.
UAW Union Vote Results:
78: Yes
1: No (Kathy)