This memo serves to answer questions that you, my eight- and six-year-old children, have about Scoopy Daddy.

What is Scoopy Daddy? How did we get here?

Scoopy Daddy is a child-development teaching tool that I, your father, developed in response to recent changes in attitude and behavior you each exhibited. You likely remember the debut of Scoopy Daddy. Several weeks ago, the family was having ice cream as a special treat, and, as is typical, I began to scoop out your portions. This is a reasonable role for me, your legal guardian, to play.

However, you each began screaming and crying like babies about how you wanted to scoop out your ice cream. In response, I began to play the character of “Scoopy Daddy,” a grown adult father with the temperament you were displaying—that of a misbehaving toddler. Scoopy Daddy stomped his feet and began to scream back at both of you:

“BUT I SCOOP THE ICE CREAM! I’M SCOOPY DADDY! I ALWAYS SCOOP! DADDY SCOOP! SCOOPY DADDY!” Then I stomped my feet a lot and slammed my fists against the front of the refrigerator.

When you each sat in stunned silence, I realized the magnitude of my innovation and decided to expand Scoopy Daddy’s scope and nature well beyond a one-off conflict about ice cream. Since then, I have regularly used Scoopy Daddy to support each of you on your behavioral journeys.

Scoopy Daddy does lots of unfair stuff, like that first day when he ate the whole carton of ice cream and made us watch. This seems to violate everything you expect of us behaviorally. Can you explain what is going on?

Scoopy Daddy is not a person; it is a child-development teaching tool. So, Scoopy Daddy isn’t held to any behavior standard. We don’t expect the internal combustion engine to be “polite” or “quiet”; we simply expect it to help us reach a destination down the road. Similarly, we don’t expect the tool of Scoopy Daddy to “treat others respectfully” or “refrain from intentionally deflating your soccer balls”; we simply expect him to help us reach our destination—better behavior on both of your parts.

What about when Scoopy Daddy falls asleep in our beds?

If you are unable to observe your bedtime, one of the interventions that Scoopy Daddy affords is a full-grown adult man using your bed instead. Scoopy Daddy is helping you to understand the long-term (read: overnight) consequences of not following simple instructions.

Why is Scoopy Daddy allowed to yell at us?

Scoopy Daddy is a mirror of your own behavior. When Scoopy Daddy yells at you, it is because you are yelling at me, your regular father. I (your father) would never scream at you. But Scoopy Daddy can and will.

What about the catchphrase?

“YOU’VE BEEN SCOOPED!” is a mnemonic device I developed to help you remember the bounds of good and bad behavior. Generally, I deploy it at the conclusion of a Scoopy Daddy intervention so that you can associate this phrase with the feelings you felt after having your poor behavior highlighted.

“YOU’VE BEEN SCOOPED!” is an extension of the Scoopy Daddy child-development teaching tool and a valuable piece of intellectual property. I recently submitted a trademark application to the USPTO to protect this phrase.

You recently threatened to bring Scoopy Daddy to school. What does that even mean? They would throw you out.

Sometimes, kids need access to a specific kind of tool at school. A child with asthma might need an inhaler. A child with a broken wrist might need to wear a splint. And children who cannot behave might need to have Scoopy Daddy at school. This might look like, for instance, Scoopy Daddy hanging around your classroom and, if need be, intervening by turning over your desk and rolling around, crying, in the spilled pencils and papers. You are likely right that Scoopy Daddy would be thrown out of your elementary school. That is part of the point.

Aren’t you just Scoopy Daddy?

No. I am your father, a well-behaved forty-one-year-old man with a wide social circle of friends and acquaintances who respect and admire him. Scoopy Daddy is a tool I developed. You might as well ask me if I “am” the leaf blower. Yes, I blow the leaves, but I am not literally the leaf blower. Yes, I parent you and help you see right from wrong, but that does not mean I “am” Scoopy Daddy.

Does Mom know about Scoopy Daddy? We have noticed you don’t do Scoopy Daddy when she is around.

No comment. She would not believe you anyway.