Thank you for your interest in applying for the Tortured Artist Grant.

Please note that you are not eligible for this grant if you:

  • Are over 27 years of age
  • Engage in positive social interactions
  • Earn a regular income
  • Have not already crumpled this application into a ball, because “what’s the point anyway?”

1. How did you find out about this opportunity?

⃞ An information booklet at my college was flapping languidly in the suffocating wind.
⃞ Advertising—that oh, so manipulative tool used to exploit my every insecurity.
⃞ A post on social media by one of my “friends.”
⃞ You find out about a lot if you’re as desperate as me.

2. Which category best describes you and your work?

⃞ Substance abuse.
⃞ Bipolar disorder.
⃞ Daytime TV addiction.
⃞ All of the above.

3. Why are you motivated to create art?

⃞ To find meaning in this meaningless universe.
⃞ To gain approval I didn’t receive from my parents.
⃞ An unfillable void in my soul.
⃞ I don’t even know anymore.

4. As the Tortured Artist Grant would financially support applicants for one year, we require that applicants give an
estimated timeline of that year—including expected planning periods, production dates, and wallowing sessions.

5. Please list all positions you will be assuming throughout the year. (e.g. producer, director, fetal, etc.)

6. Please also list any additional people who will be assisting you throughout the year. (e.g. unfaithful lovers, exploitative managers, Mom, etc.)

7. During the many projects you undertake in your year supported by the Tortured Artist Grant, it is inevitable that
some difficulties will arise. Please explain how you will not cope at all with these difficulties, and only act in ways that exacerbate them.

8. To provide us with some insight into your past, tell us about one project that haunts you till this very day.
How did it completely fail to fulfill your original artistic vision?

9. And, to provide us with some insight into your future, tell us about one new project you can’t even bring yourself
to utter the working title of. How will it push you to the brink of despair and beyond?

10. Finally, in 100 words or less, cry for help.