MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: I saw on Twitter that Tom won HQ Trivia last night.
HER NEW HUSBAND: Did he use an extra life?
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: Nope.
HER NEW HUSBAND: Wow.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: Does that bother you?
HER NEW HUSBAND: Yes. It bothers me so much. I feel totally inadequate.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: Even though you’re a decorated fighter pilot?
HER NEW HUSBAND: Yes. Because being a fighter pilot isn’t that hard, the computers on the plane do most of the work.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: Wait, didn’t you get all upset when Tom said that, the night we ran into him outside the movie theater?
HER NEW HUSBAND: Yes. But I was upset because he was right, and I was embarrassed.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: I don’t think we should post another picture of the two of us looking happily in love on Instagram ever again.
HER NEW HUSBAND: I think we should start sleeping in separate bedrooms.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND: That definitely seems to be for the best.
MY DAD: I’m so proud of our son.
MY MOM: Even though both of his siblings have given us grandchildren and have stable careers, I feel like Tom has done much more to make us proud.
MY DAD: Can you believe I gave him such a hard time for burning his Latin textbook in a bucket in the garage when he was sixteen?
MY MOM: Remember how you screamed when he said he did it because Latin sucks?
MY DAD: Thinking about it now, Latin does suck. Remember all the times you made him feel guilty for not answering the phone, or calling you back?
MY MOM: We certainly made some big mistakes as parents.
MY DAD: Let’s not call him to apologize. Let’s give him his space.
MY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Tom Batten, that student we never believed in, won HQ Trivia last night.
MY 12TH GRADE ANATOMY TEACHER: I take it there weren’t any science questions.
MY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: There was one science question, actually.
MY 12TH GRADE ANATOMY TEACHER: Was it an easy question?
MY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: No. It was a savage question.
MY 12THGRADE ANATOMY TEACHER: You mean… all those times I scolded him for doodling or goofing around trying to get the attention of the girl who sat in front of him, and he insisted he could doodle or goof off and pay attention at the same time… he actually could?
MY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: He was right, and we were so very wrong.
MY 12THGRADE ANATOMY TEACHER: My entire approach to teaching over the course of my career has been invalidated. I’d like to offer my resignation, effective immediately.
MY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: I can’t accept it. I resigned first thing this morning.
THE GIRL WHO SAT IN FRONT OF ME IN 12TH GRADE ANATOMY: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I went to school here years ago and I’m hoping someone can provide me with contact information for Tom Batten?
MY THIRD GRADE BULLY: (Stares at the Batman comic book he stole from me in 1990 for eleven minutes before releasing an anguished, bloodcurdling scream that continues until the police arrive, and after failing to calm him down, club him unconscious.)
MY FRIEND PAUL: I keep thinking about last week when I judged him for not knowing that The Clique wrote “Superman” and that the R.E.M version is a cover.
PAUL’S HUSBAND, JIMMY: I now believe he was telling the truth when he said he did know and momentarily forgot.
MY FRIEND PAUL: I also feel bad about saying his tweets are stupid.
PAUL’S HUSBAND, JIMMY: His tweets are so good.
MY FRIEND PAUL: I know. Even though I have many more followers than he does, I’m very jealous because deep inside I know I don’t deserve them.
PAUL’S HUSBAND, JIMMY: Is that why you never retweet him, because you’re scared your followers will discover how clever he is, and abandon you?
MY FRIEND PAUL: Yes, that is why.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: This Batten fellow… he’s been playing the game for months, yes?
ADVISOR: Our intelligence indicates this was only his fourth time playing, sir.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: And how many questions did he get right by simply guessing?
ADVISOR: No guesses, sir.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: He had a friend in the room then? Someone shouting the answers he didn’t know?
ADVISOR: No, sir. He was alone.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Hmm. Well, no matter. No, I’m not impressed at all.
ADVISOR: If that’s all I’ll see myself out, sir.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: No, don’t leave. I can’t be alone right now.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: (Sits alone under the stars on a clear moonlit night, totally lost in thought.)
PRINCE HARRY: Meghan, what are you doing out here?
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: Be right in, Tom.
PRINCE HARRY: That’s the second time you’ve called me Tom today.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: I’m so sorry.
PRINCE HARRY: You know… I’m a fair hand at trivia myself.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: Of course you are, dear.
PRINCE HARRY: I can name all of Grandmother’s horses.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: I know. It’s very impressive.
PRINCE HARRY: Almost all of them. Easily half.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: Wonderful.
PRINCE HARRY: He had to split the prize money with everyone else that won that night, you know. His share was only $5.21. I’ve got millions and millions.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: It’s not about the money.
PRINCE HARRY: You look amazing. Remember, how I said that? At the altar? The whole world thought it was the sweetest, most romantic thing?
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: You’re very sweet to me, Tom.
PRINCE HARRY: Three times. Maybe I’ll call you Tom, too. See how you like it. Hello, Tom. Nice night, Tom. Tom, you look lovely tonight.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: Oh, I like that.
PRINCE HARRY: You do?
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: I do. I really do.
PRINCE HARRY: Damn it. I liked it too.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: So… what if… we’re both called Tom, then?
PRINCE HARRY: Yes, I think I’d like that.
MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX: Oh, Tom. You’re amazing.