Wearable Tech is all the rage these days. From heart health to hydration, “wearables” are entering many facets of our lives. Now, finally, we have a wearable that will impact your trip to the beach. No longer will you have to look down and ask yourself, Do I feel adequately ashamed of my physique?
That’s why I was so stoked to review Gutties™, the swimming trunks that automatically remind you to be self-conscious. After years of testing, Zuckerberg and team finally developed an algorithm to prod and poke all your seaside insecurities. They’re handcrafted in some small village in China from and specifically designed for the average American man, who is hairy, gross, overweight, and probably shouldn’t be topless in public in the first place.
Here’s how they work: While you sit lazily at a forty-five degree angle getting sunburned in a beach chair, Gutties™ are sending updates straight to your mobile device. These reminders can range from telling you how many calories are in that Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, mentioning that you didn’t have to have that second donut at work three days ago, or that, in case you forgot already, you’re actually drinking a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.
In one instance, my Gutties™ sent me a digital list of all the workouts I’d skipped this past spring, even including how many planks I could have done.
Gutties™, however, go beyond the standard features of wearable technology. Microchips in the waistband keep track of everything from how poorly you’ve pleased your wife to how bad your sales numbers were in Q2. Gutties™ can even tally the number of times you’ve typed “extra ranch” into your Seamless orders.
There’s also a feature where, through built-in speakers in the waistband, they can shout cutting insults directly to your ears. A mix between Siri and a drunk Kardashian, Gutties™ A.I. voice knows how to make you feel the all feels. For example, while I was throwing the football with my son, Gutties™ let me know that “with [me] as a father, he’ll never throw a spiral.”
Reasonably priced at only $499, Gutties™ are a great deal — and a must have if you’re ready to feel that nagging pang of inadequacy that’s so essentially American. This reviewer gives this product four stars. But you’d better hurry, because this microfiber suit of crippling degradation will sell like hot cakes — the very hot cakes Gutties™ knows you’re currently waiting in line to buy, Tubby!
*Note: product not offered in female version, as they already have every single swimsuit ad ever.