McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Join our Patreon at $10/month (or more) and receive a coupon for a discount on the Decorative Gourd Beanie, Gourd mugs, and our glorious new Advent Calendar. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free.

Articles by

Chris Brotzman

Email X

Chris Brotzman is an advertising and humor writer based in Chicago. He lives with his roommate, Amazon Echo’s Alexa.

May 25, 2018

This Is Our Obligatory-Yet-Disingenuous Commercial Saluting the Military

by Chris Brotzman
December 31, 2016

An Obituary for 2016

by Chris Brotzman
July 22, 2016

These Smart Swimming Trunks Automatically Remind You to Be Self-Conscious!

by Chris Brotzman
June 24, 2016

Social Media Intern Wanted at The Night’s Watch

by Chris Brotzman
October 30, 2015

Are You a Basic Witch?

by Chris Brotzman
June 23, 2015

Do You or Do You Not Want to Work at This Glory Hole, Ethan?

by Chris Brotzman
March 10, 2015

I’m America’s Latest Politically Divisive Issue

by Chris Brotzman
November 25, 2014

The First Friendsgiving

by Chris Brotzman
October 1, 2014

This Week on As the World Tinders

by Chris Brotzman
April 22, 2014

I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys

by Chris Brotzman
March 26, 2014

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus

by Chris Brotzman

Trending 🔥

October 15, 2024

I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About

by Sam Woods
October 28, 2024

The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets

by Katryn Bury
September 20, 2024

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

by Colin Nissan
August 19, 2024

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056

by Ben Parker, Stephanie Steinbrecher, Kelsey Ronan, John McMurtrie, Sophia DuRose, Rachel Villa, and Amy Sumerton

Recently

November 4, 2024

Don’t Worry—This Is Exactly How the Founding Fathers Intended You to Feel on Election Day

by Amanda Lehr
November 4, 2024

270 Reasons: Because There Are No Rights, No Freedoms That Some Extremists Won’t Try to Take From Us

by Christian F. Nunes
November 4, 2024

Eeyore’s Tips for Election Day Self-Care

by Jennie Egerdie
November 3, 2024

Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are 100 Percent Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen

by Tom Ellison