This Chicken Salad Has It All

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Whoa, a chicken salad that has it all? Crazy! I bet it never even occurred to you that anyone might need or expect their chicken salad to have it all.

Well, I am here to tell you that “it all” is what this chicken salad has. Take a look at the list of things had by this chicken salad—you will not find one single thing missing from that list.

This chicken salad truly has it all. It has chicken. It has mayonnaise.

You know… “it all.”

Celery. A teaspoon of whole-grain mustard. Grapes.

“It all,” motherfuckers. “It all.”

This chicken salad has a fulfilling career in publishing, three beautiful children, and a tennis date with Adeline at 4 p.m. It has a loft in Greenpoint and a cabin in New Paltz. It has a 2017 Tesla Model X. In the glove compartment? You guessed it: a loaded handgun.

This chicken salad has it all.

It has shingles.

Oh, did you think this chicken salad did not have an MBA from Harvard Business School? Think again, friend. And while you’re thinking, think about all the other things this chicken salad has, like a semi-painful hangnail, a vintage egg-beater collection, and one of those office-floor putting greens that shoots the ball back at you. You know the kind I mean. From the eighties. From Sharper Image.

Have you ever considered that chicken salad could have dried shrimp? How about mirin? How about smoked paprika, yo? How about crippling arachnophobia?

How about motherfucking za’atar?

This chicken salad has it all!

Honestly, it has too many things. This is too many ingredients for chicken salad. Why do you even need a recipe for chicken salad? You don’t, that’s why. But noooooo! THIS chicken salad just has to have it ALL, doesn’t it? This chicken salad has like fourteen goddamn ingredients. Jesus, it even has culantro.

Bitch, did I say “cilantro”? I said CULANTRO, and I meant CULANTRO, a tropical perennial of the genus Eryngium, also known as sawtooth coriander. Good luck finding that shit at Food Lion.

You know what? I’m not making this. Forget it, New York Times Cooking; I’m not going to three grocery stores just for chicken salad. I’m not going to that one Laotian market in Connecticut just so I can put Pak Kao Tong in my goddamned chicken salad. I’m just making regular… what? Yes, I heard you, shut up, SHUT UP… Old tires! Condensed milk! Walnuts! Azithromycin! Sherry vinegar! Student loan debt! Dried mint! It has it all!

THIS CHICKEN SALAD HAS. IT. ALL.