Why are you interested in this OnDemand Company’s Data Entry Position?

1. I need health insurance.

2. I heard from a friend that you have catered lunch on Fridays.

3. I’m passionate about two things: Excel and delivering content to 40-years-old+ Middle Americans who haven’t adopted cheaper and more convenient streaming services yet. Sit me down in an ergonomically challenged office, pump me full of burnt Pete’s coffee and Jolly Ranchers, and don’t let me see the sunlight. Ever. The glowing screen of an ancient 2002 Sony Vaio desktop is the only Vitamin D I need.

What are your strengths?

1. Appearing swamped when I don’t have enough work to do.

2. Disguising pajama bottoms as fashionable business pants.

3. I’m a go-getter, but only for more projects, not for upsetting the status-quo or advocating for better working conditions. If a promotion ever comes up, give me the title change and hold the salary increase because I’m not in it for the money. Also, I can make macros and pivot tables without Youtube tutorials!

What are your weaknesses?

1. Not having the slightest interest in what you do here.

2. I’m too much of a coward to “make it work” and wholeheartedly pursue my dream of starting a dog-walking business.

3. Efficiency. I don’t just want to meet my deadlines. I want to meet everyone’s deadlines, but I’m not able to do this with 40 hours a week. Honestly, my hope is that this job is 80 hours a week with no expectation of reporting overtime because this company is my life, even though I don’t work here yet. I will happily type until my fingers are bloody stubs if it means an extra $4,000 a month for the CEO’s salary. I already ran a series of formulas in Excel and this should be possible.

What kind of work environment do you prefer?

1. My home, where I can catch up on Killing Eve while I work, nap on the clock and launch an Instagram account for the adorable Shih-poo rescue I’d finally be able to adopt.

2. One with plenty of stalls in the women’s restroom. I’ll be spending most of my time there and I don’t want anyone to notice that I’ve been sitting on a toilet for 45 minutes, scrolling through high-school-friends-now- strangers wedding photos on Facebook or listening to self-appointed bathroom monitor Cindy chastise anyone who doesn’t use a paper towel to open the door after washing their hands.

3. I prefer 24- hours, 365-days-a-year unified environments where I can operate as an individual and augment the team’s success rates. If I am expected to cultivate a social life and outside interests in addition to this job, I’m not interested. I only have time for my one-and-only: Excel spreadsheets.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

1. Poor, but happy. Maybe I should take the plunge and start my dog-walking business now…What am I saying? There’s no way that would work.I might as well purchase a one-way ticket back to Stockton to take over the family dairy, marry a tractor, and become best friends with the Cash-for-Gold mannequin on the corner of G Street and Scenic Drive… Jesus Christ.

2. Dull-eyed and soulless, shackled to my desk by the manufactured necessities of comfort and security. Made bitter, impossible and consequently friendless by dreams never-achieved and goals never-met. A grotesque husk of the happy-go-lucky person I once was, trapped in the stiff and back-broken body of a woman twice my age with nothing to show for it but five more vacation days than when I started.

3. At least a manager, if not a director. That is if Microsoft Suite doesn’t hire me to design Excel 2020 first!

Out of all the other candidates, why should we hire you?

1. You shouldn’t.

2. I really need this job. Any job. I’ll do anything!

3. Look — I have the Excel logo tattooed on my rib cage!

Do you have any questions for me?

Yes. What’s your favorite part of working at this OnDemand company?

1. It pays me enough to afford my stepson Brian’s membership at the Oak Creek Golf Club. He’s terrible at the sport but I enjoy our conversations at the driving range.

2. I heard that you are more likely to die if you retire than if you keep working.

3. The culture and the opportunity for growth. I’m very fulfilled here, working in Excel.