Unsolicited Advice on How to Get Pregnant from Your Neighbor Jenna, Kath from Book Club, and Ancient Sumerian Fertility Deity, Ninkharsag

1. Just relax!

2. Go on a vacation.

3. Have you tried charting your cycle?

4. Offer a libation to the goddess of vegetation.

5. Get drunk. I can’t even think about a Señor Frog margarita without getting immediately knocked up after vomiting into a clogged sink.

6. Have your partner spill his seed on pure land where predators do not kill and men do not age. Are you with me so far? Okay, yeah, so you take all the semen and bury it. From there, eight plants will grow, and I know what you’re thinking… “Yum.” But seriously, DO NOT EAT THE PLANTS. Eventually, your partner will wander through, get curious, and eat the plants despite being explicitly told not to. That will make me fucking livid. At this point, I will curse him, you, and all of humanity before departing the Earth. Now you can win me over and bring me back, but only if you send a fox. In the meantime, go get your partner. He’s going to be really apologetic about eating those jizz plants, mostly because they made him crazy sick. Place his head next to your vagina and have him whisper a list of his physical ailments directly into it. You’ll start popping out baby deities with each complaint. Lower back pain! Deity. Eczema! Another deity. It sounds like a lot, but it’s cheaper and less effort than IVF.

7. Have you tried acupuncture?

8. If you want kids so bad, take mine! In particular, take the younger one with the vacant stare.

9. Stay on your back for 15 minutes after sex.

10. It’ll happen the second you stop trying.

11. Find yourself the hoe of creation. That’s a farming tool. Why? What were you imagining? So, you’ll hoe some land, preferably pristine land where eyeball diseases have been eradicated. If you’re lucky, you’ll uncover some severed human heads in the dirt. This is a good thing and means you’re on the right track. Take clay from the land and mix it with the flesh and blood of a slain minor deity. I should back up. You’ll need to slay a minor deity. Do this before the hoeing. Then you’ll have what you need to create a new human. You could make a man with weak hands. Or you could create a man with sparkling eyes just to turn around and blind him. Of course, you could just make yourself a baby, but where’s the sport in that?

12. Can’t you just adopt?

13. Have you tried a penis in your vagina?