HIDDEN WORLD ORGANIC ENERGY BARS
We started making our organic energy bars for one simple reason: Our hate of the outside world. We were tired of people. Tired of their dented, damaged, and bereft spirit. Not all people, mind you. Not everyone is a bitter lonely blogger or Internet commenter stuck in their town and trying desperately to get attention and a ticket out by any means; the world hasn’t rendered us quite so bitter and exhausted as to believe that to be the case. In fact, what little piece of us the hateful loners didn’t take away remained aglow, and that’s the energy we put into our bars. We did other things before the energy bars, you know. We made music and wrote, we painted, we did creative things like that. Broken people ruined them all. So then, why are our organic energy bars so vibrant and full of flavor? Quite simply, we are passionate about the idea of receding from the world and we think you can taste that. We love the flavor that comes from hiding out in a low slung ranch style house in an unremarkable suburb and selling packaged goods to people we’ll never have to meet or speak to. As the owner and president of our little company, I was hoping the story of our organic energy bars would be a little more life affirming or colloquial. Alas, we were once spirited idealists who have been crushed into a fine powder of malaise and indifference, and all it took was years of enduring weak-willed lonely young men with Internet connections; precocious alcoholic boys who could use a piece of ass and a few of life’s trials, to put it plainly.
FEELINGS® REVITALIZING BODY SCRUB
Why make a revitalizing body scrub from all natural ingredients? Simple: We were going broke making energy bars. Hard to believe that one could find a way to make less money than writing books, making music, storytelling, and painting… but we did. As president and owner of our little organic company, I can tell you this: I was sick of my obscure and marginalized life in the arts, so I decided to make a simple organic energy bar that the world might actually hear about. I instantly learned one very important truth: there is, in fact, a way to have your name and face in magazines, newspapers, and on National Public Radio and make even less money than when you were being a creative type. With debt mounting and a rash of bad habits getting the upper hand, I knew it was time to feel renewed and revitalized. But how? Simple: I would create an organic scrub that would hopefully allow me to have a feeling of hope and renewal. As an alcoholic and addict, I am terrified of feelings. I’m not sure why I mention that, or where this little story is going, but I do know one thing: I need you to enjoy our energy bars and also our revitalizing body scrub.
PAPER SACK®
The story of how our Paper Sack came to be is really quite simple. We set out to answer one little question that seemed to be getting asked with increased frequency around our very small living quarters/office: Where can you hide a gun when you don’t have a car to ditch it in? Not long after posing that question barely aloud one night on the couch, Paper Sack was born. Paper Sack is a simple bag that is probably not organic. If you’re like us, you’ll want to keep several on hand! One to hide a gun, one to carry cash, one to write a note on, one to soak with gas. Hey, looks like I’m a goddamn poet again! Hey, looks like I’m wearing a mask and taking your money! It also looks like things are finally paying off for me. It’s not like I ever asked for that much to begin with, so it’s a shame that it’s come to this. But as president and owner of a failed small organic foods company, and a former starving, albeit somewhat popular writer and creative type, I would like to take a moment to remind you that you had the chance to purchase plenty of things along that path that lead to me robbing you. But your story is that you chose not to. So now the story of our little organic business has taken a turn. A dark turn indeed, and we advise you not to struggle. Don’t run or resist, we’re under pressure and new to this, and there is so much that could go terribly wrong.