Wayne Warren’s
Border Security &
Drone Building Camp
Missoula, MT.
Starts June 24th
Ages 6-45
$499

Does your child have what it takes to keep our borders secure?

Enroll today at Wayne Warren’s 1st Annual Border Security Camp and we will all find out.

NEWSFLASH: I’m not talking about Mexico. I’m not concerned with Mexico. I’m talking about the passive-aggressive creeps to the north of us.

Let me paint you a little picture: House party at fancy Montana “general store” proprietor’s estate. Memorial Day. Happens every year. Mother used to take you, and you’d ride the horses around the grounds. Clem, a rust-colored gelding, understood your sensibilities. But now that you are 39 and mom gripes that her hips are no longer horse-ready and she can’t see the trail because of her trifocals, you are forced to stand next to her, drinking non-alcoholic lemonade and pretending to enjoy her friggin’ conversations. This spring when you go to get a ham sandwich, she wanders away. You spy her across the swimming pool as she keeps throwing her head back in laughter and touching the arm of a semi-retired Canadian orthodontist who you later learn is “good at jokes” and “humorous anecdotes” and “is nothing like you, Wayne.”

Pretty soon mother is scheduling trips on the regular to Calgary, and not inviting you. Also: you are me. So that makes you a witness firsthand to this phenomenon. Sure, we have people trying to sneak into the country along our nation’s southernmost access point, and now to the north we have Canadian lotharios trying to steal Americans from the places where they belong, which is at home in their own country with the children who came out of their own stinking bodies at one point or another. Mother used to hate Canada. Now she won’t shut up about the majesty of the Bow River.

“Sounds like a personal, problem, Wayne,” you say. Yes, but what if the next person is the Governor of Montana? Or a high-ranking postal official? Who knows what happens when Americans are lured to Canada with all of their different customs and medicines? Is it permanent? Are they gone forever? Taking their talents up north? That’s brain drain. And maybe even a more insidious kind of brain drain occurs—what if they give the Governor a lobotomy and send him back to us like nothing happened? How long until we find out? It could be years. He could be repaving the highways with strawberry bushes and giving the finger to Walmart, and putting Montana in peril.

These worries are precisely why my camp will be a success. I am training the next generation of kids from Montana, Idaho, Washington, wherever, to be vigilant stewards of our northern border, which is also our most precious resource.

If you feel like America is worth saving, sign up ASAP.

If you’re still on the fence, read the FAQ:

How can my child learn to secure the border in a one-week camp?

We’re going to start by building a drone. The main use of drones is surveillance. So we’re sending a drone to the places where we’re not invited to gather precious intel. Like certain condominium developments across our northern border. “Enjoying yourself, mother? There’s now a drone watching you eat soup with him!”

I don’t know how to build a drone yet, but I am a self-starter and I am good with children. Maybe you’ve seen me pulled over, arguing with an aggressive school crossing guard, or sitting in the stands at Missoula Little League helping the umpires get their calls right. Because I believe in the game. And because I can’t sit idly by and just watch these dopes make mistake after mistake after mistake. It eats me up. And I don’t even have kids. Don’t want ‘em.

Cool drone, Wayne. What else?

Fitness and spying. In the coming weeks, my campers and I will likely even snoop around Alberta on foot, and have a look at what’s going on up there. This isn’t a sit on your ass camp. We’ll also do some arts and crafts and acting. Make disguises. Wear disguises. Disguise our voices. Make calls. Try to get people arrested. See how that goes.

I’ve heard you’re tech savvy, Wayne. Will that be a priority at your amazing camp?

I have a laptop. And internet. Me and your kid(s) are going to look up plans on how to build and fly a drone and we’re going to make that a reality if it fucking kills me. We’re also gonna comb through Canadian Facebook together a lot. And become seemingly harmless Americans like “Bill Edwards” and “Karen Pebbleton” who flirt with Canadians.

I only need the nuts & bolts, Wayne. Beyond that I have faith in you.

Cool. The camp will take place in my garage on weekdays. From 9-2. If we cross the border, I will let you know… when we get back. It’s not surveillance if I’m announcing my plans to everyone 24-7 and coddling you. So just FYI, that 9-2 crap could go right out the window. Don’t freak out.

Does your kid have boots? Need special medicine? Afraid of heights? Allergic to pine cones? Puss out royally when everything is on the line? What else are you keeping from me?

It costs $499 a week. Cool with that? No T-shirt. No five-year-olds. Bring your own lunch.

If the drone thing proves to be too hard we can just shoot hoops in my driveway and check out some thrift sales.