As committed white allies to the oppressed, we the undersigned urge our black, brown, yellow, purple, pink, blue, and especially phosphorescent citizens to not take things too far with these demands for equality and economic justice because now is not a good time.

Look, we simply cannot allow Trump to win in 2020, so we have to make sacrifices, and by “we” we mean you. No candidate is perfect, and this time around we can’t afford to have a woman candidate, even if she is mostly white.

We want to make sure our minority acquaintances understand what’s at stake so we’ll dumb ourselves down to your level.

Even if we end up with Joe “Foreign Policy Failure” Biden, we are going to hold our noses all the way to the bank — er, ballot box — and vote for him. It might mean a few more years of unnecessary wars and dying and stuff, but that’s a price we are willing to make other people pay for.

We showed rare backbone in fighting Roy Moore because we can’t abide pedophilia. We simply do not tolerate the abuse of children, which is why the famously liberal entertainment and higher education industries were so quick to take action against Roman Polanski, Larry Nasser, and other predators. Sex with children is wrong regardless of how much we treasure a good film.

Our intent is not to halt progress, but to recognize that good things come in good time and with good behavior. We must have faith that laws are always just, even if they make some Americans second class citizens, sanction torture, and permit the caging of children. We agreed with Colin Kaepernick’s concerns about police brutality but not his attention-seeking methods, which is why we referred to him as a “horse’s ass.” Kaepernick should have protested in a way that did not make us feel bad so, really, it’s all his fault. Why not just sue the bad cops? It’s not as if our courts are biased.

It’s time to put the past behind us and unite. Radical policies like Medicare for All, the New Green Deal, and Free College threaten our ability to take meaningless baby steps forward as we descend into oligarchy and the planet burns. We must not panic as we have 12 whole years to reverse a climate catastrophe, which is plenty because Elon Musk will save us.

There is nothing we desire more than an electorate ready to send people like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, or Muslim and Native American women to Congress, but we must be realistic. Can you imagine bus-riot Boston — former home of a gangster named Whitey — electing a black congresswoman? What is it the kids say? LOL!

America is a country where an acceptably liberal candidate who supported torture (at first) and the invasion of Iraq (at first) and opposed gay marriage (at first) still could not win the presidency. The key takeaway is that we have to go even more right-wing to beat the right-wingers. Forget Joe Biden — let’s put Joe Lieberman back on the DNC ticket!

How dare you question our commitment to social progress! How dare you suggest we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about! No one is more committed to moving us forward eventually. For example, we support women by belittling other women who disagree with us. And we support non-white people by telling you what’s good for you because we don’t think you know what’s good for yourself.

One last instruction: stay classy. Just because your opponents are white supremacists and object to your very existence doesn’t make it okay to get upset and use swear words. You scare us a little (okay, a lot) and the one thing we want more than equality is to feel good about ourselves. We know you’ll do the right thing and stop this divisive revolt. And we’ll do the right thing and let you know when your issues work for our timeline.

Signed,
Your White Moderate Allies