You know how they say that given an infinite amount of time, an infinite amount of monkeys hitting random keys on typewriters could write a sonnet by Shakespeare?

Well, hi there! We’re the three monkeys that prepare President Trump’s interview answers.

We are:

  • Shirley, a witty chimpanzee
  • Bubbles, a dogged baboon
  • And me, Joey, a dashing proboscis monkey

We author Trump’s most famous lines. Together, we craft — pecking out random words on our typewriters — his most memorable answers.

Did you catch his recent AP interview? You know, where Trump dropped gems like this:

“Well he said, you’ll be the greatest president in the history of, but you know what, I’ll take that also, but that you could be. But he said, will be the greatest president but I would also accept the other. In other words, if you do your job, but I accept that.”

That was me! Took 20 minutes to bang out on my typewriter, and then hand it over to the president to memorize, thank you very much.

As for Shirley, she’s particularly proud of this one:

“I took a lot of heat when I said Brexit was going to pass. Don’t forget, Obama said that UK will go to the back of the line, and I talked about Sweden, and may have been somewhat different, but the following day, two days later, they had a massive riot in Sweden, exactly what I was talking about, I was right about that.”

She says it only took her five minutes to think up, but she’s a chimpanzee — and you know chimpanzees. Their relationship with the truth is somewhere near the president’s.

But the grand prize has to go to Bubbles. That baboon really outdid herself when she knocked out this piece of brilliance:

“I inherited a mess in the Middle East, and a mess with North Korea, I inherited a mess with jobs, despite the statistics, you know, my statistics are even better, but they are not the real statistics because you have millions of people that can’t get a job, OK. And I inherited a mess on trade. I mean we have many, you can go up and down the ladder. But that’s the story. Hey look, in the meantime, I guess, I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president, and you’re not. You know. Say hello to everybody, OK?”

That, my friends, is a work of genius. Only took her fifteen minutes to come up with it!

Truthfully, Shirley, Bubbles, and I have only failed at one thing — and it’s really only a private failure on our part. You see, we’ve been trying to get President Trump to make monkey sounds for about two years now. One day, after scrambling over the typewriter for eleven minutes, we came the closest we’ve ever come:

“Jeb Bush or Hillary, or one of these politicians, all controlled by lobbyists and special interests — and donors, people like me from previous months — total control. Bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. You know what that is, right?”

That was supposed to be monkey sounds! So close! We were so close.

Other than that, I’m pretty proud of our work. Clearly the President is, too. I mean, just last week he met with the Russian prime minister in the Oval Office and we were the only members of his staff allowed in the meeting. Can’t tell you how thrilling it was to type up his answers in real time. What an honor!

So the next time Trump says something a little bananas (just wait five minutes, it’ll come), remember that it’s probably something Shirley, Bubbles, or I banged out on our typewriters in between throwing our feces at each other. For we three — we happy three — are the band of brothers (and sisters) who are the brains behind the leader of the free world and the most bigly famous person on the planet. God bless America!

Oooh-ooo, ahh-ah!