To our beloved Efficient Solutions Inc. family —

Exciting news! Today is the first day of our new head of human resources: The Incinerator 850.

Many of you have eagerly requested an HR professional in the workplace, and we’re pleased to announce that The Incinerator 850 is set up and ready to roll. All you have to do is write your request or complaint on a sheet of paper and drop it in the furnace.

We believe The Incinerator 850 will be a valued addition to the team. Bill, our previous head of HR, took your complaints seriously, and The Incinerator 850 will do the same, just in a more incendiary sort of way. It will also be much more durable than Bill, and we fully expect it will out-live all of us. Our company is committed to sustainability.

The Incinerator 850 can process ALL of your requests and grievances, including all EEO, OSHA, and ADA-related documents. It has the advantage of being unbiased in all human affairs, as it is a machine. If you have any needs around childcare, disability, or a global health crisis, just put it in writing. Also, please be sure to direct any subpoenas or affidavits to HR.

If you feel the need to discuss any work-related conflicts, its listening skills are truly unparalleled. Just make sure to speak loudly over the bellowing noise of flammable, controlled combustion. Employees may want to purchase earplugs and N95 masks. Especially you, Melissa, since it’ll be placed in Bill’s old cubicle, next to yours. All noise complaints can be directed to HR.

The Incinerator 850 beat out some excellent candidates from top MBA programs. We had a Wharton graduate in the final round, but she declined to answer our question about her plans to get pregnant in the coming years, so we saw that as a red flag. We also considered a shredder for the position, but its online reviews were not nearly as stellar as our new hire’s five star rating. Our decision to go with The Incinerator 850 was solidified after we won an Amazon gift card at a networking event, so it was essentially free, apart from shipping. This made it a no-brainer since, as you are aware, we cannot afford to provide health benefits.

Obviously, there is quite a backlog of HR paperwork to be addressed since Bill’s departure. Rest assured, we have already given your requests for time off to The Incinerator 850 following this morning’s installation, and it has already processed everything.

We can’t wait to embark upon this next chapter in our company’s future. Please join us at today’s mandatory 4 PM Welcome Party. No snacks or refreshments will be served since The Incinerator 850 does not require food or drink to function.

— Management